A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, “We realize it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes!”
“Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
Study of your own Brain. Wow! I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers . Can you read it??. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. THE ANSWER IS BELOW: 7H15 M3554G353RV35 7O PR0V3H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4ND0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG17 WA5 H4RD BU7N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3Y0UR M1ND 1SR34D1NG 174U70M471C4LLYW17H 0U7 3V3N7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,B3 PROUD! 0NLYC3R741N P30PL3 C4NR3AD 7H15.PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15.
THIS MESSAGE SERVES TO PROVE HOW OUR MINDS DO AMAZING THINGS! IMPRESSIVE THINGS! IT WAS HARD BUT NOW ON THIS LINE YOUR MIND IS READING IT AUTOMATICALLY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, BE PROUD! ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN READ THIS. PLEASE, FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> the exchanges were taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> __________________________________________________ _____
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________________________ ____
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> __________________________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
> new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral...
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.
Last edited by sterling2; 21st August 2012 at 01:53 PM.
Reason: just had tp post this stupity
What is Couple Sex?
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, This was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the
wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
--- What Is Couple Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will
be ready in just a couple secs.
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
Last night, on a plane returning home, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political
things.
Being a US Congressman, my friend visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year, and he told me of what happened in a local
church this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had
them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."
The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you
gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
There was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten ..... you can bet that little boy's voice won't be forgotten anytime soon!
Three men die and go up to the Pearly Gates and meet St. Peter. St. Peter tells them that they can only enter into heaven if they can tell him the true meaning of Easter.
The first guy says, "The true meaning of Easter? That's when the Easter Bunny gives the kids lots of chocolate eggs!"
St. Peter says, "No, that's not the true meaning of Easter. You can't enter Heaven."
The second guy says, "The true meaning of Easter....that's when they hide a bunch of dyed eggs all over the lawn and the kids have to go and find them."
St. Peter says, "No, that's not the true meaning of Easter. You can not enter Heaven."
The third guy....a dimwit, says, "I know the true meaning of Easter. Easter is when Jesus died on the cross for our sins, then they buried his body in a cave and covered the cave entrance with a large rock."
St. Peter says, "Yes, that is the true meaning...."
Dimwit, "Wait, I'm not finished! So they buried him in a cave and covered the entrance with a large rock. Once a year, he rolls the rock out of the way and sticks his head out.....if he sees his shadow...."
AFTERNOON SEXThe only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in theapartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report onall the neighborhood activities."There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:"An ambulance just drove by!""Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out."Matt's riding a new bike!""Looks like the Sanders are moving!""Jason is on his skate board!"After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,"How do you know they're having sex?""Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
HI TOM, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF THIS ONE.
GOD BLESS, TERRY
> A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
> He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
> "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
> "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
> The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
> The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
> The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
> The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
> "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
I know God is giggling! A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge! You must read this......A proper decision by the courts...for a change. A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAYIn Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..."You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture! This is too good not to forward!
The following are replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...Who's your Baby Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS.
The Penis Study
The American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the U.S. published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
.
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The
midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told
him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his
pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he puts his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the
left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to
walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc,
and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
The morning man, Bob, of this famous and high-powered radio station was occasionally the target of practical jokes during his show. Fortunately Bob was always good-natured and kept his composure whenever someone from the radio station's news department or one of the other disc jockeys there pulled a prank.
This prank was perfect for the Bob and his show that Halloween morning.
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