My Secrets... My Deepest and darkest.

[ariannaAW]

Hey Everyone.

There's a youtube phenomenon going around right now called ''My Secrets''

Everyone who has had a struggle in life, which is all of us... Shares their secrets, without saying a word, but through writing a series of paper signs, holding them up 1 at a time, showing to the world things that may be too hard to say.

After watching a bunch of young people, most younger than me.. pouring their hearts out, while at the end of each video, sharing a positive, empowering message to others who are enduring similar struggles, I was very heart-broken, in tears and at the same time, INSPIRED to make one of my own...

If you've ever felt pain, this is the way to use your gained strength and wisdom to inspire others to keep going!

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post the video link to my own video, however... I wanted to invite some of you, in the theme of this wonderful revolution... to share some of your secrets...

Since this is abby... and we tend to be good vibes, happy and fun atmosphere here... I won't ask you to share anything that makes you uncomfortable though, we can switch it up a bit...although if we all want to get really intimate, then why not? Share away! But if you're not into it...

Then just share something personal, and who knows? We may get a few tear jerkers, a few laughs... and get really close to one another

So I'll start with one of my secrets... (which btw, I will say now...don't have to be ''secrets'' in terms of something you've never said to anyone before, although that would be great, but since I usually am very open and have nothing I don't tell anyone, especially after sharing EVERYTHING and my life in this video to the WORLD on youtube... it can just be something you don't usually say upon first meeting others, but something more personal, something a little or a lot deeper)

And let me emphasize that, this doesn't have to get real sad,...we can share things that we find funny too, but that are a little awkward maybe... haha lol

My personal things:

- I have Borderline personality disorder, Narcissistic PD and Manic depression (all diagnosed) <<- yes , I'm angry and messed up haha.

- I've suffered major abuse as a child. <, not sure what this smiley icon means? lol seemed suitable .

- I used to think I was really ugly. (abby winters is one of the tools in life that's helped me celebrate my beauty since beginning modeling ) ,, tears of joy !

- I always think girls won't like me, especially older women..and I have a thing for older women, so I never approach them cus I think they'll think I'm a Kid, I don't tell people this, cus I want everyone to think I'm uber confident... But I'm not

YOUR TURN... tell me something weird !

Sorry to anyone who's brought down by the realness of this thread lol I know it's all fun and games at abby,, but I'm quite a deep person to be honest, and I thawt I'd share that side of me... with you .

[tjsunray]

Hi Arianna...first let me say; if by chance there are only a few replies, don't take it personal !...members have been slow ( if at all ) at responding to these kinds of posts ( posting in general, for that matter ) ever since the move to Amsterdam .

Regardless, don't be disillusioned and keep up your enthusiasm...keep up the good work !

Some of mine:

- I'm a AW's addict....and there is no cure...which is a good thing

- I have a hang-up about my age and flirting with younger woman ...i love younger woman.

- My hair is thinning on top and i foolishly massage my scalp daily to generate blood flow which supposedly stimulates new hair growth...haha

- I was/still am somewhat also shy by nature and tend to be more of an introvert....i used to blush as a kid.

- i may also be suffering from depression...not possitive though ?...was never diagnosed...i'm ok with it though...managed fine all these years ok.

[ariannaAW]

Hey Tjaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!! Aww you're such an amazingly supportive, amazing person! In all your posts, Hard to believe almost. I don't know anyone like you in person

But anyway, I wasn't going to be putt off or upset by a lack of posts, because I expected it lol, haha... however, didn't make any relation to it being because of the move to amsterdam? :/ Why has that made it slower in responses? lol

Haha , I have a thing for older women , you have a thing for younger women... It's a shame we both have to be insecure about it or shy.

I was a shy kid too ,But I grew out of it when I had to move out on my own at 16 and live independently, being shy and having to survive will not get you anywhere in this world, especially not where i Lived. No-body cared, you had to get in people's faces and demand what you need of them, or else you get nothing! Shop owners won't even acknowledge you, in the big cities, it's like you're invisible if you're not a loud mouth! Hence - the new yorker stereotype we all are lol haha...

Thanks you so much for sharing something worthy of the threads' theme. I greatly appreciate your bravery sir! *salutes you*

Let's keep the fun going... who's next

[fenna]

I have been very ill for a big part of my life; approx. from my 11th year till I was 17. I had Lyme disease, which resulted in me not being able to go to school anymore, and at the time I had reached the age of 15, I was partly paralized. I also suffered from heavy hallucinations during that time, which made me unable to sleep at night, and at a certain point I was unable to eat.
I lost everything during those years, friends... family, a social life, hope, and much more... I believed I would die and so did my parents. We kept fighting though, so when I was 17, I finally got proper treatment. I got a drip with strong antibiotics for two weeks. I recovered, (I almost couldn't believe it!) and then a though year started, in which I was trained to walk again, and many more things. I had to discover my body again. And deal with everything that had happened in general. It was a lot to handle.

Lyme disease messed me up pretty bad, especially since I have been cut off from people during puberty, and because of that, I (like you also, Arianna) developed a lighter form of Borderline syndrome and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I got into treatment, and that worked for me for a period of a year. Then I was able to do everything on my own. As for messing me up physically... Lyme left me with a slow Thyroid. I'm on meds for this, and that works fine.
Borderline does not show in my personality often. During periods of stress, it pops up again, and then I'm vunerable, and I need to act wisely.

Now I'm 21, and finally settled down in life. I can finally say that I am happy, and I finally accept everything that has happened to me in the past, and that I'm diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline-light. Plus, I have a caring partner, Svenno (as the people who still watch B/G know), who accepts my personality, but who is also not afraid to correct it when needed. Which is what everyone needs in my opinion

What also helps me, is being a Reiki 2 practioner. I can heal myself and others by giving and receiving postive energy!

Arianna, you are very brave to have started this thread. I think it's a very good thing of you to do, being diagnosed with whatever, or being ill, or having experienced really bad things, shouldn't be hidden, there should be a place to talk about it everywhere, so why not on the forums also?

xxxx big hugs for you!

Fenna

P.s: I am very curious to hear the stories of other people, don't be afraid to share, but only share what you want to share

[tjsunray]

Fenna...so sorry to know that you had to endure all that especially considering it was during those delicate younger years. It's such a relieve to know now that you fought the battle and the worst is behind you. Mwah...Mwah...a kiss on both cheeks and a Huge Fat Hug

But anyway, I wasn't going to be putt off or upset by a lack of posts, because I expected it lol, haha... however, didn't make any relation to it being because of the move to amsterdam? :/ Why has that made it slower in responses? lol

I guess there were/still are some disgruntled members who did not accept the move and all the changes that came along with it. It seems to be slowly picking up again though. I may take a little more time to adjust.

Haha , I have a thing for older women , you have a thing for younger women... It's a shame we both have to be insecure about it or shy.

In my case i would be regarded a " Dirty Old Man " and for your preference there doesn't seem to be a label for it, so i made up one " YLCC "...Young Lesbo Cougar Chaser "

[JacksonP49]

Arianna and Fenna, you are both very brave to say those things. I won't say I feel sorry for you, because you both seem to have gone beyond that stage, and you are concentrating on the future rather than the past.

One thing I don't know is what Borderline is.

I'm not really a confessional sort of person so I'll just say I hope that life continues to improve for you and that the future is brighter and happier than the past.

[fenna]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderl...ality_disorder After reading this you know the basic facts about Borderline. But Borderline exists in many different forms.

Thank you for wishing us the best, I wish you the same

And thank you so much TJ for the hug and the kind words. I'm glad that it is behind me too, and things will only get better

[Frans]

Don't have much to add right now, but was remembered of this thread about depression, you might wanna read it.

Also, am considering moving this thread to Models Speak. Advantage of that is that threads in there can only be viewed by members (this forum is readable by anyone). Opinions welcome.

[timbo83]

well I don't speak to many people I knew from school because I'm embarrassed they know the "dark side" of me and I don't ever want to re-live it, when people meet me now they always think of me as easy going and relaxed, but this wasn't always the case, I used to have some major anger issues that had to finally be adressed when I got into a fight at work and lost my job when I was 21

despite being 150 pounds I would take on anybody willing to argue with me wether it was at work, in a bar or wherever. I did anger management courses twice a week, but the first 6 months I made no progress because I was ashamed to admit my drug problem to my doctor, he said "you'll never fix your anger problem untill you get clean"
I cut myself off from most of my "friends" so I could get clean and it worked amazingly fast!! then twice a week for another year of anger management and I'm a new and improved person

while in anger management my doctor said to stay away from girls because my worst anger problems were always with girlfriends (I never physicly hurt a female in my life but I scared a few pretty bad) and despite being a new person for 6 years now I've always avoided being in a relationship for fear of re-living my past,

in May this year I met a girl and faced my fear, I've told her a few stories and she can't belive I'm talking about me. things are going well with us and in the past 6 years I have made many new friends and I don't often mention my past problems to leave them in the past

[renae_d]

Arianna, if you haven't heard of it, I think you would quite like the Postsecret blog. Check it out! I'll try to post again with a genuine secret that I haven't alaready spilled the beans on in my models' speak thread.

[JacksonP49]

well I don't speak to many people I knew from school because I'm embarrassed they know the "dark side" of me and I don't ever want to re-live it, when people meet me now they always think of me as easy going and relaxed, but this wasn't always the case, I used to have some major anger issues that had to finally be adressed when I got into a fight at work and lost my job when I was 21

despite being 150 pounds I would take on anybody willing to argue with me wether it was at work, in a bar or wherever. I did anger management courses twice a week, but the first 6 months I made no progress because I was ashamed to admit my drug problem to my doctor, he said "you'll never fix your anger problem untill you get clean"
I cut myself off from most of my "friends" so I could get clean and it worked amazingly fast!! then twice a week for another year of anger management and I'm a new and improved person

while in anger management my doctor said to stay away from girls because my worst anger problems were always with girlfriends (I never physicly hurt a female in my life but I scared a few pretty bad) and despite being a new person for 6 years now I've always avoided being in a relationship for fear of re-living my past,

in May this year I met a girl and faced my fear, I've told her a few stories and she can't belive I'm talking about me. things are going well with us and in the past 6 years I have made many new friends and I don't often mention my past problems to leave them in the past

That's a great story. It's impressive that you were able to realise that the drugs were at the bottom of the problem. So many people who get on to drugs think that they are the solution, and that if only they could be high all the time, everything would be OK. When the truth is exactly the opposite: the reason they are unhappy and angry is that they are continually under the influence of drugs.

Good luck with your girl. I'm sure that telling her about your past was the right thing to do.

[ariannaAW]

I have been very ill for a big part of my life; approx. from my 11th year till I was 17. I had Lyme disease, which resulted in me not being able to go to school anymore, and at the time I had reached the age of 15, I was partly paralized. I also suffered from heavy hallucinations during that time, which made me unable to sleep at night, and at a certain point I was unable to eat.
I lost everything during those years, friends... family, a social life, hope, and much more... I believed I would die and so did my parents. We kept fighting though, so when I was 17, I finally got proper treatment. I got a drip with strong antibiotics for two weeks. I recovered, (I almost couldn't believe it!) and then a though year started, in which I was trained to walk again, and many more things. I had to discover my body again. And deal with everything that had happened in general. It was a lot to handle.

Lyme disease messed me up pretty bad, especially since I have been cut off from people during puberty, and because of that, I (like you also, Arianna) developed a lighter form of Borderline syndrome and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I got into treatment, and that worked for me for a period of a year. Then I was able to do everything on my own. As for messing me up physically... Lyme left me with a slow Thyroid. I'm on meds for this, and that works fine.
Borderline does not show in my personality often. During periods of stress, it pops up again, and then I'm vunerable, and I need to act wisely.

Now I'm 21, and finally settled down in life. I can finally say that I am happy, and I finally accept everything that has happened to me in the past, and that I'm diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline-light. Plus, I have a caring partner, Svenno (as the people who still watch B/G know), who accepts my personality, but who is also not afraid to correct it when needed. Which is what everyone needs in my opinion

What also helps me, is being a Reiki 2 practioner. I can heal myself and others by giving and receiving postive energy!

Arianna, you are very brave to have started this thread. I think it's a very good thing of you to do, being diagnosed with whatever, or being ill, or having experienced really bad things, shouldn't be hidden, there should be a place to talk about it everywhere, so why not on the forums also?

xxxx big hugs for you!

Fenna

P.s: I am very curious to hear the stories of other people, don't be afraid to share, but only share what you want to share

I get Reiki treatments often ^_^

I would love to get a qualification, and get attuned, but I gotta save up money. They do it at my yoga centre in London They also do weekly classes however do develop the awareness of energy and thus, I'm able to use reiki on myself and others, although I've never been taught or had the ''Initiation'' into it, yet.

Yeah I also had PTSD and I stuttered at times, still do when I get nervous or am under severe stress.

I have no idea how you develop Lyme disease, but I'll look that up later, it's 1 am, but I had to respond as tired as I am and have to wake up at 8am , probably why I'm not expressing myself as articulately as I'd like... But I had to reply anyway,cus I'm so touched by your story and others

Thanks for sharing.

Borderline is pretty visible in my personality, everything in me is visible, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my emotions and feelings, thoughts are pretty readable on my face... and my eyes. Although... With the reactions for instance, anger and such to triggers (BPD due to abuse can have many triggers,, words,, the way people treat you etc can set u off into paranoia, anger, hurt etc) ... I can control the outward bursts... but then that leaves me like an emotionless , pretty withdrawn, closed off, shut down personality, because that's exactly what I have to do for others not to suffer the energy that I project when someone triggers me off. It can be too much...

In this way I relate to TIMBO

Because of my anger issues also lol

I wouldn't say I'm brave, because... if I was brave I wouldn't have held back for so long, I used to be so afraid, and I'd try anything to hold back as much as I can from showing who I truly am, but being stifled for the first 16 years of your life can drive you crazy, and once you get there, you have all the motivation to exceed the threshold of any boundaries. Thus, my personality now unleashed is one that, can not hold back anymore... because I refuse to suffocate myself, therefore I have to be myself openly in every environment I am introduced... so you see, I have no other option - Express or depress...

And your right, nothing should be hidden... the things we are ashamed of sometimes, are things everyone feels, and experiences, and if not the same things, similar things... why should we be ashamed, when we are all human? We're all one.

[ariannaAW]

well I don't speak to many people I knew from school because I'm embarrassed they know the "dark side" of me and I don't ever want to re-live it, when people meet me now they always think of me as easy going and relaxed, but this wasn't always the case, I used to have some major anger issues that had to finally be adressed when I got into a fight at work and lost my job when I was 21

despite being 150 pounds I would take on anybody willing to argue with me wether it was at work, in a bar or wherever. I did anger management courses twice a week, but the first 6 months I made no progress because I was ashamed to admit my drug problem to my doctor, he said "you'll never fix your anger problem untill you get clean"
I cut myself off from most of my "friends" so I could get clean and it worked amazingly fast!! then twice a week for another year of anger management and I'm a new and improved person

while in anger management my doctor said to stay away from girls because my worst anger problems were always with girlfriends (I never physicly hurt a female in my life but I scared a few pretty bad) and despite being a new person for 6 years now I've always avoided being in a relationship for fear of re-living my past,

in May this year I met a girl and faced my fear, I've told her a few stories and she can't belive I'm talking about me. things are going well with us and in the past 6 years I have made many new friends and I don't often mention my past problems to leave them in the past

I know exactly what you mean . I had/still have anger issues too , it relates to the BPD like many other symptoms lol It's a pretty good feeling the more you feel free of that compulsive behavior, the more you can be yourself too, without a need to prove anything or reaction in anyway that no longer serves you.

When anger has control over you, it no longer serves as a messenger which is what anger is as an emotion. Anger & ego should serve you, not the other way around.

It's true what Jackson Says ...most people dive into the drugs more, how impressive that you got healthy fast !

I' have my addictions now,, and i'm struggling going back and forth to get off em, they're not recreational drugs or anything... I was never into that, had enough issues,...but I have major food hyper-sensitivity (indigo child...we all have, don't worry if you don't know what an indigo child is lol) ...and I kind of self-harm by junking out of stuff that's not good for me and I know it... Like wheat, gluten, sugar, dairy ...makes me really sick but I've gotten used to getting trashed on em like most would with alchohol.

Anyway, so I really admire your quick recovery! and that's INSPIRED ME to get off the addictions too, because they do also affect my anger and other issues, they definitely don't help !

Glad your better ! What a man!

[ariannaAW]

THANKS for the other links guys.

That depression thread is a lot to read... I don't really like nose-ing around reading convos I'm not involved in, because I feel like I'm just spying lol, but however, if I felt like contributing at some point, I may go thru it.. but it's a little late, cus its been going on for a while it seems... anyway good to know someone's posted about their experience before! I love when people share openly.

And Renae_d I'll check out the other Postsecret thread too thanks... need to sleep first tho haha

Frans - If you want to move this thread to ''models speak'', that's fine with me, although I'm not bothered about non-members reading this, others may be , and may feel more comfy to share knowing it's members only

Cheerssss * Best english accent *

[ariannaAW]

Arianna and Fenna, you are both very brave to say those things. I won't say I feel sorry for you, because you both seem to have gone beyond that stage, and you are concentrating on the future rather than the past.

One thing I don't know is what Borderline is.

I'm not really a confessional sort of person so I'll just say I hope that life continues to improve for you and that the future is brighter and happier than the past.

Jackson , Thanks for not saying you feel sorry for us / me lol haha... you've got a great understanding of strong people with troubled pasts., Sympathy sometimes babies me, I feel patronized... and it's true... I have moved beyond that, and I'm more positive, wiser and stronger... which by the sounds of it, Fenna is too .

So really appreciate you saying that

Borderline is every other disorder in one looooool hahaha ... I'm one sick puppyy .

You know the funniest thing.. it even says in that wikipedia article I believe, if it's the same one I've read before...

But people with BPD, especially developed thru abuse and at young ages... Tend to only be able to maintain r.ships with other people who've got BPD, similar to NPD disorder (narcissistic PD) , also similar to people with depression... of course not always true.

But before I ever knew what BPD is ... the 3 girls I'd been emotionally involved with... the only 3 in my entire life , were all severely disturbed... and when I found out what these disorders are... I instantly figured out those were what was wrong with them, Lol, 2 of em had BPD and 1 had NPD... insane.

Since I found out what they are and studied them tho... I've stayed away from girls showing those symptoms and personality traits, and managed to draw in a girl much more loving and caring,... Guess I'd healed some as well by then through all the spiritual work I've been doing Even tho it didn't work out.... She was still a much better person than those girls... and I'm better than I used to be, so clearly... I'm making progress in life :P

You don't have to confess your secrets, we love you anyway! Even tho now.... we're just gonna imagine what they must be, so we're gonna imagine ALLLLLL kinds of hilarious things LOL Just kidding... your privacy is yours.

[timbo83]

Good luck with your girl. I'm sure that telling her about your past was the right thing to do.

thanks Jackson, I'm sure telling her was the right thing to do as well

Anyway, so I really admire your quick recovery! and that's INSPIRED ME to get off the addictions too, because they do also affect my anger and other issues, they definitely don't help !

well almost 2 years seemed like a long time but it worked but the thing that helped me the most was to try and think of how stupid I look and how akward everyone feels when I'm losing my shit for no good reason, and thats helped me alot, well I hope the anger issues will soon be behind you too

[laktor]

Well, I've always had a difficult time making friends. In fact, since leaving L.A., where I did have a few friends to do things with, for the past 15 years here in Canada, I've been pretty much alone. Everywhere I go, I go alone, except on the rare occasion where my sister and brother-in-law join me. Fortunately, on annual trips overseas to Australia and to Nashville in the U.S., I'm constantly surrounded by people I've come to know and some of whom I can call friends, long-distance friends. That is why I enjoy those trips so much. Anyway, this is one reason I can save money by never owning a smartphone. Who needs a phone when there's no one to call and no one to text? Still have no idea how to text anyway.

As a result of my social difficulties/shyness, I've lived my life without any female companionship, absolutely none at all, other than a few rare dates over the years. I've had no relationships, partners, or whatever you prefer to call it, even though I'm old enough to be a grandfather. For most of you who are reading this post, sexual activities are a real and important part of your life, but for me it has always been just fantasy, something I've always thought about and wondered about, but never reality. What would it be like to go to bed at night with a woman next to you and wake up in the morning with a special someone? I don't have a clue. This used to bother me a lot, but at this point in my life, I've come to accept it and engage myself in other thoughts and activities that I can enjoy and just realize that these are the cards I have been dealt.

Most long-time members here know that I'm not able to get drunk, no matter what I drink or how much, so I have no idea what it's like to be intoxicated and most likely won't ever find out. And while I've not done much pot smoking, when I have engaged in it, it's had no effect on me whatsoever, so I don't have a clue as to why people smoke it or enjoy it.

As for Reiki and the energy thing, I honestly have no belief in that nonsense. I went to a very experienced Reiki person once, and go nothing out of that session. And believe me, this person has done it for years and had glowing recommendations. Cost me a few dollars which were completely wasted. You may say you can send positive "energy", but it won't have an effect on me. One person once told me I'm "unaffectable"! I guess they are right because I can't feel any effects of alcohol, can't get "high" and so called positive energy can't do anything for me.

[Dekoda]

This isn't really a dark secret, but it's something that I've never told anyone. When I got divorced, my daughter was 9 years old. She lived with her mom and I picked her up every Sunday. I was working on third shift then and I was working 7 days a week. I'd get home about 8am on Sunday morning, sleep for three hours, take a shower, then go and pick her up. I'd keep her all day, then drop her off at her house at 8pm, then I'd head back to work....dead tired.

Typically, since I only had three hours of sleep, I was tired when I picked her up and we usually would just go to the movies. As we watched the movie, my daughter would frequently ask me, "Dad, why did he do that?"....or "What does that mean?" Since I was watching the same movie that she was and she had no idea what was going on, I didn't either, so I'd just say, "I'm not sure. Let me watch it for a few more minutes and I'll see if I can figure it out." Usually after a few minutes, I'd understand what was going on, so I'd explain it to her.

There were numerous times when she'd ask these questions during the same movie, and at times, being tired, I was irritable, so it would have been easy for me to just get angry and tell her to just watch the show, but I never did. I always held it back and just stayed calm. I felt really bad when I thought about yelling at her to just shut up, and I guess that's why I never did. I never showed any anger toward her for asking these annoying questions, I just told her that I'd tell her in a bit, after I had seen more of the movie.

One day, as we were leaving the theater, she turned to me and said, "Dad, I like going to the movies with you because you explain everything to me so that I know what's going on." When she said that, it made me so grateful that I had never gotten angry at her for asking so many questions during the movie. I had no idea that it meant so much to her that I explained things in the movie. From then on, I tried to be more patient with her, which was easy since she was a good kid, since I realized that the little things that seem insignificant to us, make a big difference to a child.

Like I said, this is no deep, dark secret, it's just that I've never told anyone about it before.

[JacksonP49]

As a result of my social difficulties/shyness, I've lived my life without any female companionship, absolutely none at all, other than a few rare dates over the years. I've had no relationships, partners, or whatever you prefer to call it, even though I'm old enough to be a grandfather. For most of you who are reading this post, sexual activities are a real and important part of your life, but for me it has always been just fantasy, something I've always thought about and wondered about, but never reality. What would it be like to go to bed at night with a woman next to you and wake up in the morning with a special someone? I don't have a clue. This used to bother me a lot, but at this point in my life, I've come to accept it and engage myself in other thoughts and activities that I can enjoy and just realize that these are the cards I have been dealt.

Laktor, there are ladies who provide companionship of the sort you describe. You have to pay them, but that's not necessarily the worst thing in the world.

[Nicetomeetya]

I'm addicted to watching and listening to ASMR videos on youtube.

[laktor]

I'm addicted to watching and listening to ASMR videos on youtube.

What's ASMR?

[ariannaAW]

Haha Timbo , I'm not sure I care about how ackward everyone feels. Because I think partly the reason many of us struggle in life is because we try to base how we act on other people's reactions or feelings, when they should take responsibility for themselves and we for us. But I do think it's important to care how you feel and how your life is going. So if your r.ships with others are in trouble, then it's a good motivation for me. Although I do remember at one point getting better because I also saw other people with anger issues around me and thought... '' wow, is that how stupid I Looked and acted? I never want to make myself look like that again'' ...But then, at some point my life went downhill with my living situation, when i moved into this place which I'm still trying to get out of, and since then,, even tho I tried to resist, my anger came out again. And Now I'm sure i look ''stupid'' all the time, but the compulsion to react and let people know how much I'm hurt by something... seems to be overwhelming and it takes over and I react anyway, most of the time completely lose control now... and have to go and be by myself and take a few deep breaths, because it then also instigates my anxiety attacks... :/ So it's really unhealthy for me to be angry, but yet... I don't know any other way to react to things. I think I need help like you had... will seek some soon lol when I finally move out and can focus on it.

[ariannaAW]

Well, I've always had a difficult time making friends. In fact, since leaving L.A., where I did have a few friends to do things with, for the past 15 years here in Canada, I've been pretty much alone. Everywhere I go, I go alone, except on the rare occasion where my sister and brother-in-law join me. Fortunately, on annual trips overseas to Australia and to Nashville in the U.S., I'm constantly surrounded by people I've come to know and some of whom I can call friends, long-distance friends. That is why I enjoy those trips so much. Anyway, this is one reason I can save money by never owning a smartphone. Who needs a phone when there's no one to call and no one to text? Still have no idea how to text anyway.

As a result of my social difficulties/shyness, I've lived my life without any female companionship, absolutely none at all, other than a few rare dates over the years. I've had no relationships, partners, or whatever you prefer to call it, even though I'm old enough to be a grandfather. For most of you who are reading this post, sexual activities are a real and important part of your life, but for me it has always been just fantasy, something I've always thought about and wondered about, but never reality. What would it be like to go to bed at night with a woman next to you and wake up in the morning with a special someone? I don't have a clue. This used to bother me a lot, but at this point in my life, I've come to accept it and engage myself in other thoughts and activities that I can enjoy and just realize that these are the cards I have been dealt.

Most long-time members here know that I'm not able to get drunk, no matter what I drink or how much, so I have no idea what it's like to be intoxicated and most likely won't ever find out. And while I've not done much pot smoking, when I have engaged in it, it's had no effect on me whatsoever, so I don't have a clue as to why people smoke it or enjoy it.

As for Reiki and the energy thing, I honestly have no belief in that nonsense. I went to a very experienced Reiki person once, and go nothing out of that session. And believe me, this person has done it for years and had glowing recommendations. Cost me a few dollars which were completely wasted. You may say you can send positive "energy", but it won't have an effect on me. One person once told me I'm "unaffectable"! I guess they are right because I can't feel any effects of alcohol, can't get "high" and so called positive energy can't do anything for me.

Laktor, if you accept those are the cards you've been dealt, you won't ever see a change. However, it's never ever too late to go out there and make some friends. There's loads of social clubs and groups for people of all ages.

There's many people who have very strong DNA that don't affected by drugs, or other intoxicating substances... to me, that's a GOOD thing!

I'm a little upset you call Reiki ''nonsense'' tho, just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it's nonsense, because there's many people who greatly benefit from it. including me... I had some last night. It's a little disrespectful of us who believe in it and hold high value to it. We put ourselves into it because we know it does good things. You didn't call alchohol nonsense just because it didn't work for you...

[ariannaAW]

This isn't really a dark secret, but it's something that I've never told anyone. When I got divorced, my daughter was 9 years old. She lived with her mom and I picked her up every Sunday. I was working on third shift then and I was working 7 days a week. I'd get home about 8am on Sunday morning, sleep for three hours, take a shower, then go and pick her up. I'd keep her all day, then drop her off at her house at 8pm, then I'd head back to work....dead tired.

Typically, since I only had three hours of sleep, I was tired when I picked her up and we usually would just go to the movies. As we watched the movie, my daughter would frequently ask me, "Dad, why did he do that?"....or "What does that mean?" Since I was watching the same movie that she was and she had no idea what was going on, I didn't either, so I'd just say, "I'm not sure. Let me watch it for a few more minutes and I'll see if I can figure it out." Usually after a few minutes, I'd understand what was going on, so I'd explain it to her.

There were numerous times when she'd ask these questions during the same movie, and at times, being tired, I was irritable, so it would have been easy for me to just get angry and tell her to just watch the show, but I never did. I always held it back and just stayed calm. I felt really bad when I thought about yelling at her to just shut up, and I guess that's why I never did. I never showed any anger toward her for asking these annoying questions, I just told her that I'd tell her in a bit, after I had seen more of the movie.

One day, as we were leaving the theater, she turned to me and said, "Dad, I like going to the movies with you because you explain everything to me so that I know what's going on." When she said that, it made me so grateful that I had never gotten angry at her for asking so many questions during the movie. I had no idea that it meant so much to her that I explained things in the movie. From then on, I tried to be more patient with her, which was easy since she was a good kid, since I realized that the little things that seem insignificant to us, make a big difference to a child.

Like I said, this is no deep, dark secret, it's just that I've never told anyone about it before.

Haha Dekoda ...that's so cute! Adorable! It's great that you have that patience, and that you were sensitive enough to feel the affect it might have if you told her off for that, and that therefore you didn't...and that you appreciate her expressing herself like that, what a great kid!

[ariannaAW]

What's ASMR?

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response . = Brain Orgasms. !

First Google '' What is ASMR'' for a good article to explain .

Then youtube videos to see the ASMR community in action

[ariannaAW]

I'm addicted to watching and listening to ASMR videos on youtube.

I'm TOTALLY onto it now tooooo !!! What an amazing phenomenon..... Whoo!!! I believe I get light ASMR... I am hyper-sensitive. I always thought everybody had brain orgasms when they get haircuts or someone whispers into their ear tho... That kinda thing.. no?

[laktor]

I'm a little upset you call Reiki ''nonsense'' tho, just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it's nonsense, because there's many people who greatly benefit from it. including me... I had some last night. It's a little disrespectful of us who believe in it and hold high value to it. We put ourselves into it because we know it does good things. You didn't call alchohol nonsense just because it didn't work for you...

I didn't intend to put anyone down, but think about it. You wave your hands over someone, energy flows out and heals someone's ills. Are we supposed to believe this? Leave ills to the doctors. Sorry, but that's the way I feel.

As for ASMR, I looked it up and honestly say I've never experienced that and like "highs", intoxication, etc. it's probably something my body metabolism or DNA won't allow me to experience. I checked out the videos and there seems to be a lot of role play stuff. Sorry, but I don't get it. What's the purpose of those weird videos? And as for the GOOD Thing, not being able to get drunk or high, well, yeah, it probably is, BUT I have a very natural curiosity, and while I don't want to be a drunkard, it would be nice to get drunk at least once and at least know what it feels like. Otherwise, you aren't in the same "world" as your friends, and yes, I used to have a few in L.A. and they don't want to go out with you. I'm sure you've had girlfriends who say "Let's go and get drunk" meaning let's go have some fun and have some drinks. Well, if they know you couldn't ever get drunk, they'd exclude you from that activity. You'd be left out of things like that. Understand?

And I've joined in lots of activities and clubs over the years and still never meet anyone. I've tried and tried and tried and tried. People are friendly and say hi, but they don't want to go out on a date or be a close friend. I will never really give up, but when I say I've accepted the cards that I've been dealt, I mean that I try not to dwell on it anymore because thinking about it constantly will drive me crazy and make me depressed. Instead, I just go out and enjoy the things I like, for example, go to clubs to see great singer/songwriters whenever I can.

[ariannaAW]

No you're not supposed to believe it. You're allowed to believe what ever you want. But just because you don't believe something, doesn't mean we should be okay with you calling it nonsense. At the end of the day, many people DO believe in it, because it works. Like I said, alchohol didn't work for you either, but you didn't lose the belief in that working. Clearly you're one of those people who requires scientific proof to believe something, and that's fine. But to be fair, no1 actually mentioned the Reiki to you in request for your opinion, so you went out of your way to give your opinion on it, which is a negative one...and that was unnecessary.

Not everyone will understand everything, and Reiki is one of those things that MOST people don't understand and can't comprehend just like most things outside of physical reality. There's no reason to argue over it, I was just letting you know that up until then, everything was going great and everyone was respectful of each others sharing, until you decide to call something some of us mentioned a belief in. Disrespecting each other's beliefs is not what we came here for.

If you still want to continue with the pettyness though, that's up to you... however, I think I've made it very clear that I just let you know, that its clearly upsetting when you disrespect someone's beliefs just because you either haven't experienced what they have, or don't understand it, or don't relate. There's no justifying that. However, Like i said... you can continue being condescending of this topic if you wish. I won't bother to respond though.

With the ASMR ...Again, calling things ''weird'' because you don't understand them, is not a way to make friends.

I haven't ever had friends who exclude me from outtings because I don't want to get drunk... I don't drink and don't smoke and never have, however, during the first 22 years of my life up until last year, all of my friends drank and smoked. I eventually chose to hang out with people who are clean of intoxication and to not date anyone who drinks or smokes, as I want to date someone healthy and conscious, self-aware and confident, which those things take away from you.

The reason I've never had any friends such as those you describe, is because they clearly are not ''friends'' to anyone, they don't know how to be friends, and they're those kind of people who just ''hang out'' with each other because they don't have real friends either, so it's more like they all want to get f*cked up together, probably because they have many issues and are depressed too. I have known people like them, and they are not anyone I've been interested in befriending. They tend not to have anything to teach me or inspire me as friends, not very supportive (clearly from what you say about the exclusion) and bring nothing positive to one's life, anyone's life for that matter.

It's good you haven't given up. Keep trying... and no matter what's made you that much cynical in your life, try to be more open to people, and more accepting of things you may not be familiar with, that way people will want to hang out with you. You say those people you've met are friendly but not interested in going out or getting closer, maybe they have issues of their own, maybe they're busy or maybe you're doing something to keep people away, consider these things, don't lose confidence, work on your own social skills, maybe take some classes on it... and you will find what you're looking for, it's never too late as I said.

[timbo83]

well Arianna, I think you kinda saw what I ment about seeing what you look like when you get angry, I don't think anyone should be concerned with others opinions but when you see someone with the same problem it can help to see what it's like from the other side

the other die-cutter where I work has a very short temper and seeing him get really mad helps me to not be the same way, and when I was getting councelling I had a one on one session every monday for 45 min. and a group one every other wendsday with 8-10 others all at differnt poins in their threapy, to haer how silly some of the stories sounded then reaise I had many just as silly or worse makes you relise that there are others with the same problems and when they are almost finshed and your new it helps to see the light at the end of the tunnel

if you do go to therapy one day alot of time will be spent going over situations and trying to find your triggers, that was tough in my case cuz it was always very random, but my key issuses were:
1: my lack of patients, I would generally be early for things with the way I estimate time (I call it being fastionably early ) and that lead to getting very fustrated when someone was late
2: I don't like to complian about anything or tell someone the have done me wrong so eventually they would do something minor and I would lose it, I never got a little mad it was always like a train wreck

so my best advice is (everyone is different so this may not help) to tell someone when they do something you don't like no matter how small a problem it was and clear the air and find something you can do to put you in a happy place (like a special play list on your mp3 player or physical activity of some kind)

I hope the oppertunity comes up for therapy because it helped me ALOT

good luck

[Frans]

and that is why discussing religion was forbidden on the forum a looong time ago Mentioning it is fine with me, but discussion or value-judgements don't get you anywhere (good).

Having established that, I'm always happy to read people sorting out their problems/issue somehow. Or at least figure out how to live with it, that's a good start after all

Oh yeah, if you go to any stress/anger management therapy, keep in mind that during those session you're NOT supposed to be on your best behavior. 'cos that makes sessions like that rather ineffective. For some reason that took me a while to get