I Need To Back Away

[Dekoda]

First, I want to apologize to everyone here....the staff, the models and the members, for my atrocious behavior. It took someone I highly respect to confront me about it, and that made me realize that my depression has returned. What was told to me were the exact symptoms of my depression....I become very negative, I am confrontational, I become argumentative, the smallest things irritate me and make me angry, I am grumpy, just to name a few. I should have seen what was happening and started back on my anti-depressants, but it comes on so gradually that I don't notice it. It also affects my judgement, so I rationalize away what I'm doing.

Once I was confronted about it, I realized that I was doing the same thing in another forum that I frequent, as well as in everyday life. I don't know how bad my behavior could ultimately become, and hopefully I'll never find out. I haven't taken the anti-depressants in over two years, so I don't know how long the depression has been affecting me. I stopped taking them because of the side effects....they make me sweat excessively...so much so that when I would go grocery shopping, I'd go at night when the store is empty, I'd walk slowly trying to hold off sweating, but when I went to check out, the sweat would be running down my face, my arms would be sweating so much that the sweat would be dripping off my arms and onto the counter, and my shirt looked like I was hit with a fire hose. I can't handle sweating that much all of the time, so once I feel better, I stop taking the pills, and typically, the depression doesn't return for some time....or at least, I don't think it returns for some time.

Anyway, I started back on the anti-depressants today, and it'll take time to get my head back in a good place, so until then, I'll back away from the site for fear I might post something disrespectful or offensive again.

Again, my sincerest apologies to everyone here.

Dekoda

[garionhall]

dekoda, thanks for letting us know, hope to see you back to your old self again soon.

[masie]

Dekoda, I always love seeing your name pop up on the boards, you are part of our community and I love your passion, your dry sense of humor and I just like having you here. I am sorry that your illness has come back but I am glad that you had someone who felt close enough to you to let you know it was time to get some help so you could re find yourself.

I have some experience with people close to me and depression and I am led to believe that while each journey on its own is horrible, knowing you have beaten this thing once is a comfort - I am sure all will be well again.

While you may be silent for a while I hope from time to time our antics at abbywinters still make you smile.

Masie xxx

[wolfgangbuster29]

Hi, Dekoda.

I too have always enjoyed your company and postings here in our Forums and I am hoping you will be able to return sometime soon.

Depression is a THIEF. As in acronym; depression steals your Time, Health, Intimacy, Energy and it robs you of just being able to have Fun in life. The Thief comes only to steal, destroy and to kill. But it is hoped that your good spirit will maintain and increase in the strength you will need in order to win the battle you are having with depression. Good always conquers evil, Dekoda. Every time.


Please keep a good and positive thought and as you increase in your strengths to overcome, you will be delivered from the chains the Thief has been trying to bind you with and you will have the ultimate victory.