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    Delighted to see this thread is picking up again...crunchtime

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
    trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one old gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact God's ultimate enemy was
    in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure aren't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
    eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And are you still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope," said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

    Comment


      His & Her Diaries

      Her & his diaries



      HER DIARY

      Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
      We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
      I was shopping with my friends all day long,
      so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
      but he made no comment.

      Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
      somewhere quiet so we could talk.
      He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
      I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
      I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
      He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

      On the way home when I told him that I loved him,
      he simply smiled and kept driving.
      I can't explain his behavior.
      I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

      When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
      as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
      He just sat there and watched T.V.
      He seemed distant and absent.

      Finally, I decided to go to bed.
      About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
      and to my surprise he responded to my caress
      and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted
      and his thoughts were somewhere else.
      He fell asleep - I cried.

      I don't know what to do.
      I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
      My life is a disaster.



      HIS DIARY


      I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

      Comment


        His and Her showering techniques

        How To Shower Like a Woman

        Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

        Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

        Get in the shower.

        Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

        Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

        Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

        Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

        Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

        Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

        Rinse conditioner off hair.

        Shave armpits and legs.

        Turn off shower.

        Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

        Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

        Get out of shower.

        Dry with towel the size of a small country.

        Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.






        How To Shower Like a Man


        Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

        Walk naked to the bathroom.

        If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

        Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

        Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

        Get in the shower.

        Wash your face. ;> Wash your armpits.

        Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

        Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the show er.

        Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

        Comment


          No wonder his-and-hers bathrooms are so popular!

          You left out (for men):

          Sing loudly (being on-key is optional)
          Make fart noises with armpit and hand, and
          Have a nice whiz (no sense wasting a flush )

          Comment


            Ok, this one always makes me laugh:

            Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.



            Heed the lesson of Ed Grubberman !!!!!!!!

            Comment


              Apolitical

              (America's President and Vice President are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.)

              Anti-Republican bumper sticker for the 2004 election (true!)

              Lick Bush and beat Dick in '04

              Comment


                Be careful what you wish for ...

                A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

                All of a sudden, a little guy jumps out of his pocket, goes running up and down the bar, kicks over everybody's drinks, runs back to the guy, jumps into his pocket, and disappears!

                Everybody is looking at the guy, really pissed off and ready to fight!

                "Bartender! A round of drinks for the house--on me!" the man quickly yells. Everybody glares at him a little with a look like, "Damn right 'on you'!" and they go back to their talking, smoking, etc.

                A few minutes later, the little guy jumps out of the guy's pocket again, goes running up and down the bar, kicks over everybodys' drinks again, runs back to the guy, jumps into his pocket, and disappears again!

                "BARTENDER! DOUBLES FOR THE HOUSE! ON ME!" the man quickly yells.

                Now, everybody is just glaring at the man. But, they get their drinks, down the first drink, and gradually go back to their activities.

                Suddenly, the little guy jumps out again! As he's running around, the bartender asks they guy, "What the hell is going on here? What is that? ..."

                The guy replies, "I was walking along the beach, and I found this old lamp. I rubbed it to shine it up, and out comes a genie. He said I could have one wish."

                "What did you wish for?" asks the bartender. "Money? Women? What??"

                "I wished for a ten inch prick."

                "... And there he goes again ..."

                Comment


                  Pillaging

                  The disheartened leader of a bunch of renegade barbarians was just about finished explaining the plan for their next attack.

                  "One last thing," he said, heaving a sigh, "this time guys, let's get it right. Remember--kill the horses and ravish the women!"

                  Comment


                    Gotta love this teacher!

                    At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.

                    Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

                    As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

                    The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
                    points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

                    On the second page was written.... For 95 points:

                    Which tire? ______________

                    Comment


                      After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
                      obstetrician.

                      "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
                      upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

                      "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
                      have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
                      gene pool."

                      "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families
                      on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."


                      "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

                      The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the
                      past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

                      "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

                      Comment


                        Dear Abby was a newspaper column written in response to reader's questions about love and life!



                        LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER



                        Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?



                        Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?



                        Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.



                        Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



                        Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.



                        Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?



                        Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?



                        Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. ;

                        Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.



                        (I love this one!!) Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.



                        Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

                        Comment


                          One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the "S**t” he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
                          "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
                          She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow."

                          Comment


                            Dr. Dave

                            Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

                            No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

                            But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...'

                            But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

                            * Dave...........

                            Dave..........

                            Dave........

                            ............You're a Veterinarian !!

                            Comment


                              THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

                              A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Green Bay. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

                              The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

                              The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

                              Comment


                                REDNECK PiCKUP LiNES


                                1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

                                2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

                                3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

                                4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

                                5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

                                6) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

                                7) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

                                8) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

                                9) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

                                10) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

                                Comment


                                  Italian sex
                                  Italian sex -

                                  The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end !"

                                  The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

                                  The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours !"

                                  The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"


                                  The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

                                  Comment


                                    For Marigoldy?

                                    The scene: a hospital ward.

                                    The peceful silence is suddenyl broken by a piercing male scream of agony, and from behind the screens surrounding one of the beds a pyjamaed patients bursts forth and rushes up the ward clutching his crotch.

                                    In his wake appears a surprised looking nurse holding a bowl of steaming hot water.

                                    Ward Sister: Tut, tut, Nurse, I told you to prick his boil...

                                    takochan

                                    Comment


                                      virus warning

                                      There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

                                      This virus is called ...


                                      Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).


                                      If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.


                                      If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as...


                                      Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE)

                                      or

                                      Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).


                                      Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


                                      You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

                                      Comment


                                        The Pastor's Ass

                                        The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

                                        The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

                                        The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

                                        The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

                                        The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

                                        This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

                                        The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

                                        The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

                                        The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

                                        The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

                                        This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

                                        The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

                                        The bishop was buried the next day.

                                        The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

                                        So be yourself and enjoy life.

                                        Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

                                        Have a nice day!

                                        Comment


                                          This guy goes into a bar and walks up to the bar with a noticeable limp....

                                          Bartender: "Hey Ed, what can I get for you?"

                                          Ed: "Well, first, you can call me Lucky Ed, and second, you can get me a beer!"

                                          Bartender: "Sure thing, but why the Lucky Ed?"

                                          Ed: "Well, a couple of days ago I was over this woman's house getting laid, and just after I climbed on top of her and started screwing her, her husband walked in, took one look at us, pulled out a gun, and shot me in the ass."

                                          Bartender: "Jeez Ed, that's terrible! Why on Earth would you want to be called Lucky Ed after something like that?"

                                          Ed: "Because, if her husband had come home 10 minutes sooner, he would have shot me in the back of the head!"

                                          Comment


                                            President Bush is standing by a window in the Oval Office when one of his generals comes in and says, "Mr. President, I've just received today's war casualty list from Iraq. We lost 3 Brazilian soldiers today."

                                            Bush turns pale, falls into his chair, holds his head in his hands and starts saying, "My God, that's terrible! Why? How could this happen? This is just horrible!"

                                            General: "Mr. President, we have lost men all during this war, and it's terrible when it happens, but I've never seen you so distraught. Why are you so distraught over today's news?"

                                            Bush: "What do you mean WHY? We lost three Brazilian soldiers in just one day! Don't you understand what that means? By the way, exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

                                            Comment


                                              why can’t people from all over the world speak english?

                                              I am amazed to read the English of people from all over the world (amazed in a good way!). We definitely don't make it easy. Apologies if this has already been posted. I meant to check but forgot.

                                              If you’ve learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
                                              Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

                                              The bandage was wound around the wound.
                                              The farm was used to produce produce.
                                              The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
                                              We must polish the Polish furniture.
                                              He could lead if he would get the lead out.
                                              The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
                                              Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
                                              A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
                                              When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
                                              I did not object to the object.
                                              The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
                                              There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
                                              They were too close to the door to close it.
                                              The buck does funny things when the does are present.
                                              A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
                                              To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
                                              The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
                                              After a number of injections my jaw got number.
                                              Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
                                              I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
                                              How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

                                              There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France (surprise!).

                                              Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

                                              And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

                                              If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose two geese, so one moose, two meese? Doesn’t it seem crazy, that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

                                              If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

                                              Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

                                              Comment


                                                Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny
                                                and a blind little snake.
                                                One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
                                                slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
                                                fell down.
                                                This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
                                                "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
                                                I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I
                                                don't even know what I am."
                                                It's quite okay," replied the snake.
                                                "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind
                                                since birth.
                                                Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you, and figure out what
                                                you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be
                                                wonderful," replied the bunny.
                                                So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
                                                with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have
                                                a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
                                                Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
                                                The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and
                                                help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all
                                                over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked
                                                tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician,
                                                an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."

                                                Comment


                                                  The Old Cowboy

                                                  An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
                                                  sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

                                                  She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?

                                                  He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
                                                  cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
                                                  doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
                                                  and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

                                                  She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
                                                  women.

                                                  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
                                                  shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about
                                                  women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
                                                  everything makes me think of women."

                                                  The two sat sipping in silence.

                                                  A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
                                                  cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

                                                  He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

                                                  Comment


                                                    Two clergymen were discussing the state of sexual morality. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," one of them declared self-righteously. "Did you?" "I'm not sure," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

                                                    Comment


                                                      The Chicken Farmer



                                                      A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

                                                      He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what

                                                      is your occupation?"

                                                      "I'm a whore," she says.

                                                      The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

                                                      The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

                                                      "No, that still won't work. Try again."

                                                      They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

                                                      The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

                                                      "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

                                                      "Chicken Farmer it is."

                                                      Comment


                                                        A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

                                                        During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

                                                        "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?

                                                        The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very
                                                        sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
                                                        condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
                                                        doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain
                                                        and his testicles could easily rupture.

                                                        "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

                                                        As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient
                                                        laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

                                                        Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

                                                        Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better Health Plan"

                                                        Comment


                                                          The truck driver couldn't believe his eyes. When he rounded the bend there, at the bottom of the hill, was a couple making love in the middle of the road. He blew the horn. They didn't stop screwing.
                                                          The truck finally screeched to a halt barely a hair's breadth from the humping couple. The driver got out and demanded an explanation.
                                                          "What the bloody hell is going on?"
                                                          When the young man recovered he stood up.
                                                          "I was coming. She was coming. You were coming", he said, "and you were the only one that had brakes."

                                                          Comment


                                                            On a different note (as it were)

                                                            Q: Why do the people in the Republic of Ireland call their currency unit the punt?

                                                            A: Because it rhymes with a popular synonym for "bank manager"

                                                            takochan

                                                            Comment


                                                              The bisexual donkey had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.

                                                              Comment

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