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    A farmer planted a field of dildos. What was his biggest worry?

    Squatters.

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      By Special Request

      What Starts with F and ends with K

      A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

      Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

      Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

      While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

      The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

      Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

      Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

      Harry: "9."

      Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

      Harry: "36."

      And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

      Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

      The principal and Harry both agreed.

      Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

      Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

      Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

      The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

      Harry replied: "Pockets."

      Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

      Harry: "Pants."

      Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

      Harry: "Coconut."

      The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

      Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

      The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

      Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

      Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

      Harry: "Shake hands."

      The principal was trembling.

      Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

      Harry: "Firetruck."

      The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

      Comment


        Something to make you smile

        Ok, I heard the funniest joke today and as I have a little time on my hands I thought I'd quickly share it and apread the joy. Trust me, it is worth reading! (mildly offensive language)

        A small boy and his grandpa are driving along in the car when the grandpa pulls out a beer.
        boy: can I have a sip of your beer grand-dad?
        Grandpa: Can your dick touch your arsehole
        boy: no
        Grandpa: well that means your too little

        They contine driving when the grandpa pulls out a ciggerette.
        boy: Can I have a sdrag grand dad?
        Grandpa: Can your dick touch your arsehole?
        boy: no grand dad.
        Grandpa: Well that means your too little

        They continue driving when the boy pulls out some cookies.
        Grandpa: Can I have one of your cookies son?
        boy: Can your dick touch your arsehole?
        Graadpa: Certainly can
        boy: Good! Go and Fuck yourself!

        Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

        Comment


          I merged threads so we can keep all the jokes in the same place.

          Comment


            These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie (between brackets the country where the question was coming from).

            1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
            A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

            2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
            A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

            3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
            A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.

            4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
            A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

            5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
            A: Let's not touch this one.

            6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
            A: What did your last slave die of?

            7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
            A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!

            8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
            A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

            9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
            A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

            10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
            A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!

            11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
            A: No, WE don't stink!

            12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
            A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

            13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
            A: You are a British politician, right?

            14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
            A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

            15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
            A: Only at Christmas.

            16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
            A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them!

            17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
            A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

            18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
            A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

            19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
            A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

            20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
            A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

            21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
            A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

            Addendum by Diablo: I don't mean to offend any American or other overseas members of AW.com (I know you're all way smarter than the people who asked the above queries), it's just that like every other country, we always get our share of daft questions from prospective tourists. I'd always be interested in hearing similar answers from other nations. Also keep in mind that most Australian snakes actually are deadly, and should never be disturbed (especially Tiger Snake, Dugite, etc).
            Last edited by Diablo; 30 January 2006, 01:56 PM. Reason: Clarification

            Comment


              This was hilarious stuff, Diablo. I'm not offended at all ... I know what you all think of US and I tend to agree.

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                Diablo: I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in front on a computer when I've been by myself. The whole passage was an absolute pisser! Every answer was so Australian and embodies that national humour that we are all so proud of. Nice find.

                Comment


                  Some crazy facts for a Tuesday

                  It's an old one but a good one

                  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
                  (Hardly seems worth it.)

                  If you f**ted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
                  (Now that's more like it!)

                  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
                  (O.M.G.!)

                  A pig's or**sm lasts 30 minutes.
                  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

                  A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
                  (I'm still not over the pig.)

                  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
                  (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

                  The male praying mantis cannot mate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
                  ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

                  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
                  (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

                  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
                  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

                  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
                  (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

                  Butterflies taste with their feet.
                  (Something I always wanted to know.)

                  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
                  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

                  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
                  (okay, so that would be a good thing)

                  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
                  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

                  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
                  (I know some people like that.)

                  Starfish have no brains
                  (I know some people like that too.)

                  Polar bears are left-handed.
                  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

                  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
                  (What about that pig???)

                  Comment


                    Once again... apologies for international stereotyping...

                    While we're on the subject of wives that "should" be "taking orders from their husbands" in another thread...

                    Duties of Wives

                    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

                    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

                    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

                    The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

                    GOD BLESS AUSTRALIAN WOMEN!

                    Comment


                      Inspired by Valerie's post in this thread...
                      Originally posted by Valerie
                      The shape of the head of the human penis is designed to scoop out existing spermies during the thrusting action and then of course send its own troopers in. What we can gather from this is that historically it was the women who were sleeping around!
                      Several years ago the US funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

                      After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

                      When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research, at a cost of around $75, the Australian study reached a conclusion. They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

                      Comment


                        Good one Diablo!

                        RT...

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                          A vampire bat is seen flying to his cave covered in blood. The bat's tired, so he's hoping for some sleep and peace and quiet. However, once the other bats see him they harass him about the blood. 'Where did you get it? Where is it?' The bat says, leave me in peace, will you? I need sleep!'. The bats won't leave him alone though, and in the end he says 'FINE! I'll take you to it, ok?' The others get excited and follow the leader bat over a river, over the valleys of the country, over the village, and finally they get to a huge, dark forest. The leader bat says, 'Do you see that tree there?' The bats all say yes, they can see the tree.
                          'Right. Because I didn't'

                          Boom tishhhhh!

                          Comment


                            Originally posted by matchless
                            God said, "Well, I sent you the boat and the helicopter. What more did you want?"
                            I remember that story from The West Wing (season 1, episode 14: "Take this Sabbath day", I think). A VERY good episode.

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                              I work with an Ozzy guy occasionally and today he told me a joke.

                              Wales: Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous.
                              Australia: Where men are men and the sheep are satisfied.
                              We look after our sheep.

                              It's not really a joke is it. It's probably just a fact

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                                [ATTACH]2416[/ATTACH]

                                .

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                                  Thanks Blissed!

                                  I laughed out loud with that one. Doesn't happen often, so it must be good.

                                  Tank

                                  Comment


                                    I think the teaser of this swedish movie is pretty funny.
                                    As you can see, it's pretty difficult to explain to your girlfriend what you want.

                                    Just click on play to view it in the browser or download the .wmv file.

                                    Lxm

                                    Comment


                                      Originally posted by ptroinks
                                      I remember that story from The West Wing (season 1, episode 14: "Take this Sabbath day", I think). A VERY good episode.
                                      I didn't hear it from that, but I'm not surprised it was there. Maybe the person I heard it from got it from there?

                                      Comment


                                        well she did what he asked HaHa

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                                          Luxman, that movie is funny but it deals with some serious topics, really worth seeing.

                                          yusa

                                          Comment


                                            Originally posted by ptroinks
                                            I remember that story from The West Wing (season 1, episode 14: "Take this Sabbath day", I think). A VERY good episode.
                                            That story has been around for a long time in various forms. Sometimes it is a cancer patient who dies and was sent chemo therapy, an oncologist and so on. I have never seen West Wing but had heard the story.

                                            It is actually a good lesson in life to accept what is at hand rather than trying to design how it "should" be..

                                            Comment


                                              Originally posted by Luxman
                                              I think the teaser of this swedish movie is pretty funny.
                                              As you can see, it's pretty difficult to explain to your girlfriend what you want.

                                              Just click on play to view it in the browser or download the .wmv file.

                                              Lxm
                                              Not exactly what I expected. What a stitch!!! Thanks Lxm.

                                              Comment


                                                You know what i like about this thread? If you haven't read it in a while, chances are you've forgotten all the jokes and they are funny all over again A friend of mine just forwarded this to me and since it has origins in Australia, I thought I should repost it here. Enjoy!

                                                Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
                                                After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
                                                Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident to date:
                                                P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
                                                S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

                                                P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
                                                S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

                                                P: Something loose in cockpit.
                                                S: Something tightened in cockpit.

                                                P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                                                S: Live bugs on back-order.

                                                P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
                                                S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

                                                P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                                                S: Evidence removed.

                                                P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
                                                S: DME volume set to more believable level.

                                                P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
                                                S: That's what they're for.

                                                P: IFF inoperative.
                                                S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

                                                P: Suspected crack in windshield.
                                                S: Suspect you're right.

                                                P: Number 3 engine missing.
                                                S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

                                                P: Aircraft handles funny.
                                                S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

                                                P: Target radar hums.
                                                S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

                                                P: Mouse in cockpit.
                                                S: Cat installed.

                                                And the best one for last
                                                P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
                                                S: Took hammer away from midget.

                                                Comment


                                                  There are these two heads.
                                                  One head said to the other head.
                                                  I'm a head of you.

                                                  Comment


                                                    Oooo! A joke thread! How fun!

                                                    Okay, hopefully most of you haven't watched the extras on The Aristocrats DVD...hope I don't screw this up...LOL

                                                    So, a man is having a drink in his favorite local pub, when an old friend rushes up to him...

                                                    "Oh, man, Jimmy! It's so good to see you!! We'd heard you were dead!"

                                                    And Jimmy says, "Well, it's a long story..."

                                                    His friend says, "Thank God you're alive...you look different, did you lose a lot of weight? Your head looks so much smaller..."

                                                    "Well," Jimmy says, "after the cruise ship sank, I was the only survivor. I made it to a desert island and after a couple of days I found this old oil lamp. I rubbed it and out came this beautiful genie...most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life. She said..."

                                                    "You have freed me from the lamp. For that, I will grant you three wishes. The only thing you cannot wish for is to have sex with me."

                                                    And Jimmy said, "Really? Wow, that's a shame, because you're so beautiful...but first things first, I wish that I was back home."

                                                    And poof...Jimmy and the genie are back on the mainland. Then Jimmy says, "Are you sure we can't have sex? Because really, you're the most attractive woman I've ever seen."

                                                    The genie says, "Those are the rules...what's your second wish?"

                                                    "Okay then, I wish I was a billionaire..." And poof! Jimmy is rich beyond his wildest fantasies.

                                                    Finally, Jimmy says, "So really...no chance for the sex thing, huh?"

                                                    The genie firmly states, "No."

                                                    "Okay, then...how about a little head?"

                                                    Comment


                                                      Good one, Kara!

                                                      Reminds me of this one.

                                                      A guy walks into a bar with a sack over his shoulder.
                                                      He lays it down and takes a tiny piano out of it, then a tiny piano player.
                                                      The tiny piano player starts playing the piano!
                                                      The barkeeper comes up and asks the guy how he got them.
                                                      The guy says, "from the genie in this lamp", and pulls a magic lamp out of the sack.
                                                      The bartender grabs the lamp and rubs it. In a cloud of smoke the genie pops out.
                                                      He says, "I am the genie of the lamp! Your wish is my command!"
                                                      The bartender says, "This is great, I wish for a million bucks!"
                                                      POOF. There are ducks everywhere, hundreds of ducks, quacking, pecking everyone, generally making a noisy mess.
                                                      Everyone's looking at the guy with the sack.
                                                      He says, 'What do ya think, that I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

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                                                        Here's a one-liner : "What's the difference between a drink of beer and pea soup ? - you can drink beer.........."

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                                                          Puts me in mind of the ol' Beer and Pistol club I joined in college.

                                                          Beer till midnight, pistol dawn.

                                                          (If you don't get it, say it out loud.)

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                                                            What is the difference between a light on and a hard on?

                                                            (a man can always fall asleep with a light on.....)

                                                            Comment


                                                              Those jokes where so fun I forgot to laugh.

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