Some Humor

[crunchtime3]

More Blond Jokes...drum Roll Please....!!!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are yo u?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered
the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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[sterling2]

some funnies

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a few more

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finally

[sterling2]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shxt? '

[sterling2]

watchout for fluffy

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[crunchtime3]

Morning Sex




She was standing in the kitchen Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,


'Thanks,'



and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked,



'What was that all about?'


She explained . . .


'The egg timer is broken'

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[sterling2]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...’

< B>We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change...

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrati ve office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. Th e reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS.




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, AL





IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS





IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.





IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly20to20unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!

[wannadance]

here:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/google_opt_out_feature_lets_users

the onion is worth it, esp. since it's free...

dancer

[wolfgangbuster29]

No way. No flippin' way. Now we know that the Googlemonster has grown out of proportions and it's time to face the giant and take back our liberties.

[Dekoda]

And you think your job is bad

If you think your job is bad, there is always a job that is worse than yours. If you don't think so, well, here's one......and no, this was not Photoshopped in any way.

[wolfgangbuster29]

'You have the right to remain silent...'

Watchin 'Cops' tonight on Fox Television and laughin' my arse off!! Cop pulls over a ccouple dudes carrying dope and then the cop pulls out a little businesscard-sized piece of paper that has the Miranda rights on it and he's reading it to the susspects... and the cop don't yet know the Miranda rights by heart, prolly not yet enough basic training cos the officer's gotta read from a script. Miranda rights are something every cop should know straight away!

Kinda reminded me of the scene in Demolition Man where the police were trying to command a notorious bad guy by reading script from a laptop! But the real funny thing is that Cops is a reality show and that kinda thing goes on on the beat.

[Luxman]

The problem is, with the strange and silly laws, if the cop just forgets one word or uses another one instead of what's literally in the rights, the guy may come free just because of that formal error, even if he's guilty!

To avoid that, it's better to read it off the card.

Lxm

[wolfgangbuster29]

True. Still it reminded me of that scene in D.M. and I had to share that laugh.

[Luxman]

A laugh is always good, sharing a laugh is even better!

Lxm

[FloridaRob]

The problem is, with the strange and silly laws, if the cop just forgets one word or uses another one instead of what's literally in the rights, the guy may come free just because of that formal error, even if he's guilty!
To avoid that, it's better to read it off the card.
Lxm

... (Thinking, best I can!)...

If only there could be cards to read when dealing with the wife, children, and the message boards!

Rob

[wolfgangbuster29]

Funny thing about the card the cop was reading... it had worn and severely rounded edges to it like it had been through the wash a few times and the cop had been carrying the card with him in his back pants pocket all his adult life.

[alexbee]

I think there are places in the US where they make the suspect sign and date the Miranda card, to prove that he got read his rights.

[wolfgangbuster29]

I think there are places in the US where they make the suspect sign and date the Miranda card, to prove that he got read his rights.

In others they make special provisions to fit the circumstances...

[sterling2]

frankinsein jr.

[yusanord]

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[sterling2]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.. After careful
consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the
generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and
just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of:



'MOUNT & DO'.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.