Some Humor

[sterling2]

The lake breeze can be brutal ,windchill goes though anything ,this morning it was -11 F lucky the wind wasn't blowing to hard

[dxhound2003]

Concentration test for men.

http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf

[wolfgangbuster29]

I got 4 out of 5

[crunchtime3]

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
" Ryan , you be Jesus !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[crunchtime3]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[sterling2]

The Window Through Which We Look



A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
The young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
'That laundry is not very clean,' she said.
'She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean
wash on the line and said to her husband:

'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.'

The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.'

And so it is with life.
What we see when watching others
depends on the window through which we look.

[dxhound2003]

25 reasons why I love my mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

[sterling2]

just a couple

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."

I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.


One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.

[sterling2]

FIVE Surgeons






While having lunch five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."

The second surgeon,from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[wolfgangbuster29]

What's a cross between an elephant and a rinocherous?
Hellefhino?!

[dxhound2003]

New product from Apple

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[yusanord]

Apple has been very strict about company's image before.

So it was quite a surprise they made such a poor choice naming their new gizmo iPad

[wolfgangbuster29]

Apple has been very strict about company's image before.

So it was quite a surprise they made such a poor choice naming their new gizmo iPad

Hah-haa! That was a good one! About a week or so ago I heard Todd Schnitt on the Schnittshow doing his parody on the iPad and it was hilarious! This is a shame this is happening to Apple though, because they've always been noted for fine and innovative product.

[sterling2]

a few pic's

[sterling2]

few more

[eduardodt]

An old guy says to the other.... don´t 4get the blue pill.... and the other asks back... say what for, guess I 4got to take my memory pill....

[sterling2]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow
when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80%
of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth
buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate
the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas. The older they get,
the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done
to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but
you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet,
smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't
believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their
clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take
soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you,
but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know
when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good
ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[sterling2]

And This : Pet Rooster

*a Farmer Decided He Wanted To Go To Town** **to See A Movie.


The Ticket Agent Asked ,

"sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?" **


The Old Farmer Said ,

" That's My Pet Rooster Chuck. Wherever I Go, Chuck Goes ."


" I'm Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent .


" We Can't Allow Animals In The Theater ."

The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed Chuck Down His
Overalls.
Then He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket, And Entered The Theater
.

He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.


The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old Farmer
Unbuttoned His Fly So Chuck Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie
.

" Marge," Whispered Mildred.

"what?" Said Marge .

" I Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert."

"what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge ?

" He Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out", Whispered Mildred .

" Well, Don't Worry About It", Said Marge.. "at Our Age We've Seen 'em
All"

"i Thought So Too", Said Mildred ,

" But This One's Eatin' My Popcorn *

[sterling2]

old dogs ,new tricks

>
> One
> day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before
> long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he
> notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the
> intention of having lunch.
>
>
> The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in
> deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground
> close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones
> with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is
> about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
> 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there
> are any more around here?'
>
>
> Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in
> mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
> away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther,
> 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had
> me!'
>
>
> Meanwhile, a
> squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
> nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
> and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he
> goes.
>
>
> The
> squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans
> and strikes a deal for himself with the
> panther.
> The
> young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
> 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going
> to happen to
> that coniving canine!
>
>
> Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with
> the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to
> do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with
> his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
> old German Shepherd says...'Where's that squirrel? I
> sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
>
>
> Moral of this story...
>
> Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will
> always overcome youth and
> treachery!
> BS
> and brilliance only come with age and experience

[sterling2]

I told him not to pass

AAHHHHH the Beer

[alexbee]

this what happens when the wind blows[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkVFPAsbtRc] but this year is an unusual year thank goodness --this is near here

You Tube says it's a malformed video.

[wolfgangbuster29]

Y'all try this one.

[wolfgangbuster29]

Isn't it ironic that the Twitter logo

looks remarkably like the ITC logo seen on the label of this old cart machine.

I thought there was something rather familiar about that Twitter logo design, they stole it from International Tapetronics!

[sterling2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkVFPAsbtRc this is only a few miles east-i remember when thing

[sterling2]

>
> Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of
> her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
> thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood
> up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No,
> ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
> * * * * * * * * * * *
> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself
> beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
> tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
> * * * * * * * * * * *
> The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
> She called on him and said,
> 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied,
> 'NBC, FOX , ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
> * * * * * * * * * * *
> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
> 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
> asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
> policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny
> asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
> * * * * * * * * * * *
> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father... He watched as
> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
> horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad,
> why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying
> horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
> I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to
> buy Mum .'

[sterling2]

Beer Goggles

my what a beer will do

[crunchtime3]

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man
was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking
chair.

The old man said, Whatcha got there son?

Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire.

Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son? asked the old man.

Gonna catch me some chickens! said Johnny.

You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! said the oldster. Johnny
just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front
porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old
man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans
porch. Whatcha got now son?

Got me some duct tape.

And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked.

Gonna catch me some ducks!

You cant catch ducks with duct tape! said the old man. Johnny just
shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in
the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch.

Whatcha got now son? asked the old man.

Johnny said, Got me some pussy willow.

The old man said, WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!

[crunchtime3]

DIARY OF A Washington D.C. SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving to Flynt was the best idea
I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm
glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March... I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has
a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's
too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was

all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber

came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in... That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[crunchtime3]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon
and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers
for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.
Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her
skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is
for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely
you have a vase around here somewhere."

[crunchtime3]

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl
and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes, but
I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over
with." "Great. How many men have you had sex with?" "That's my
business!" she snapped. "Cool! How much?"