Some Humor

[crunchtime3]

Random Stuff

The difference between light and hard is you can sleep with a light
on.

The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few
hours and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies.
"My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!"
Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and
punched her in the mouth.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been mounted more often than
Trigger.

Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for
a teenager." "But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting
story about animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And
when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who
was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver."

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps
with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

[sterling2]

some one went to school for this

yep to school

[sterling2]

school

I'm not so sure

[crunchtime3]

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get him one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.
So he was in his room and he figured, what the heck, he'd give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman said. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She said, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[crunchtime3]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swam to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzipped a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gave the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" The girl unzipped a little longer zipper on her wet suit and came out with a flask of whiskey and gave the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?"

[crunchtime3]

Two little boys in the first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play.

It was to be a Shakespearean play.

The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screamed out, "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

The audience left howling!!!

[yusanord]

Tiger Woods looked much better today than few months ago after the discussion with his wife.

[tjsunray]

Tiger Woods...the first famous golfer to cast a sin using a 9"...IRON

[sterling2]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, you stay here; I’ll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me..
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ’No change yet.'
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

[crunchtime3]

[ATTACH]23696[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23697[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23698[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23699[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23700[/ATTACH]

[crunchtime3]

[ATTACH]23701[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23702[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23703[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23704[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23705[/ATTACH]

[crunchtime3]

[ATTACH]23706[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23707[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23708[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23709[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]23710[/ATTACH]

[crunchtime3]

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?
FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


SERENITY NOW:CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

[crunchtime3]

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! I hate needles!", the man said..

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing". "The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's 2 Viagra tablets".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! " I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the dentist, but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth!

[crunchtime3]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in Stephenville. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting:



I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the
blonde yells,



'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!'

[sterling2]

My Pet Deer

a little older here ,well not really mine

[FloridaRob]

Amazing! I came here to post that "touching wires" one, without the demotivational thing around it but it was, already, posted! How about:

[FloridaRob]

[sterling2]

well what can i say

[sterling2]

who ,what ,where

[FloridaRob]

.

[crunchtime3]

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[crunchtime3]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could

tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call

a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a

small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you

paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's

the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her

with the shovel.'

[crunchtime3]

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!

You think MEN have attitudes?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Patty]

sex god

i would like to draw your attention to teh back of this truck. i saw this while i was driving and htought it was a crack up... look down the bottom.

[silkenshadow]

Does this mean is wider is better??

[dxhound2003]

Science Beer Break-through.
You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[sterling2]

Yep

How my girlfriend parks

[sterling2]

2 Feet of snow

[sterling2]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern
and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old
man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman,
is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence