Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Some Humor

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    "A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
    otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

    ... You'll love the answer...
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
    Last edited by sterling2; 12 March 2013, 08:14 AM. Reason: extra extra

    Comment


      Click image for larger version

Name:	att113.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	64.1 KB
ID:	643727

      Click image for larger version

Name:	BeFunky_bit of fun a diet soda pls.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	25.2 KB
ID:	643728

      Click image for larger version

Name:	BeFunky_bit of fun chicken.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	29.3 KB
ID:	643729

      Click image for larger version

Name:	BeFunky_bit of fun why fly.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	32.5 KB
ID:	643730

      Click image for larger version

Name:	BeFunky_bitoffun-very-useful.jpg.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	38.6 KB
ID:	643731

      Comment


        Click image for larger version

Name:	downlo10.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	45.4 KB
ID:	643732

        Click image for larger version

Name:	110.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	39.8 KB
ID:	643733

        Click image for larger version

Name:	210.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	42.7 KB
ID:	643734

        Click image for larger version

Name:	310.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	49.9 KB
ID:	643735

        Click image for larger version

Name:	410.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	40.4 KB
ID:	643736

        Comment


          Click image for larger version

Name:	610.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	43.8 KB
ID:	643737

          Click image for larger version

Name:	710.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	49.1 KB
ID:	643738

          Comment


            Sex On Mars
            >
            > The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
            > accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
            >
            > They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
            > Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
            > how they make money, etc.
            >
            > Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
            >
            > 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
            >
            > The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
            >
            > A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
            > the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
            > off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
            > weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
            >
            > 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
            >
            > 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
            >
            > 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
            >
            > 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
            > With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
            > impressively long.
            >
            > 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
            >
            > 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
            > member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
            > exciting to the woman.
            >
            > 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
            >
            > The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
            > separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
            > good?'
            >
            > 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
            >
            > 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
            > slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
            >
            >
            >
            >
            > IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!
            Last edited by sterling2; 2 May 2013, 07:09 PM. Reason: thats Mars for you'll all

            Comment


              There are many retirement options. Here is a guide to help you make the right choice.

              You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson , Arizona where...

              1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
              2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
              3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
              4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
              5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
              6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

              OR

              You can retire to California where...
              1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
              2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
              3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
              4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
              5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
              6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

              OR

              You can retire to New York City where...
              1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
              2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
              3. You think Central Park is "nature."
              4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
              5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
              6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

              OR

              You can retire to Wisconsin where...
              1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
              2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
              3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
              4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
              5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

              OR

              You can retire to the Deep South where...
              1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
              2. "Y' all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
              3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
              4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
              5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

              OR

              You can retire to Colorado where...
              1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
              2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
              3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
              4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

              OR

              You can retire to the Midwest where...
              1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
              2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
              3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
              4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
              5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

              OR



              YOU can retire to Chicago and hope you aren't one of the 500 people who get murdered every year...but don’t take your gun because Chicago has very restrictive anti-gun laws.





              OR

              FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
              1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
              2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
              3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
              4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
              5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

              Comment


                Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal



                A husband walks into Victoria Secret, to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
                ...


                He is shown several possibilities that range in price from $250 to $500 -- the more sheer, the higher the price.



                He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.



                He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



                Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer, that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."



                She appears naked on the balcony, and strikes a pose.



                The husband shouts up, "Good Grief"



                "You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"



                He never heard the shot



                (Funeral is tomorrow at Noon - Closed Coffin)

                Comment


                  Three bulls heard the farmer was bringing another bull onto the farm.

                  First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
                  Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
                  Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, ...you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

                  Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 1,800 kgs, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

                  First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
                  Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

                  They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

                  First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

                  Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

                  Comment


                    LIFE AFTER DEATH:
                    "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
                    "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
                    "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

                    Comment


                      Why Parents Drink

                      A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

                      With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

                      Dear Dad:

                      It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

                      I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

                      But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

                      Stacy said that we will be very happy.

                      She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

                      Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

                      We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

                      In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS soStacy can get better. She deserves it.

                      Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

                      Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

                      Love, Your Son John



                      PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

                      I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

                      I love you.

                      Call me when it's safe to come home.

                      Comment


                        and so it goes day by day
                        Attached Files

                        Comment


                          A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
                          The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect

                          Comment


                            A friend of mine wanted to commit suicide so I pushed him under a train..he was chuffed to bits.

                            Comment


                              and so it goes
                              Attached Files

                              Comment


                                Here's how the scam works:

                                Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

                                You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

                                I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 12th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

                                Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

                                Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

                                So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
                                .

                                Comment


                                  Her First Date

                                  If you didn't see this on the Tonight show,
                                  I hope you're sitting down when you read it.

                                  This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

                                  Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

                                  The winner described her worst first date experience.

                                  There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

                                  She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

                                  It was a day trip (no overnight).

                                  They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

                                  The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

                                  They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour

                                  away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

                                  Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

                                  They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
                                  so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

                                  Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..

                                  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,due to the extreme cold.

                                  Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

                                  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too,
                                  got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

                                  Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament
                                  in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

                                  So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.


                                  As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

                                  And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

                                  Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

                                  Oh and how did the first date turn out?

                                  He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

                                  If you laughed at this pass it on.

                                  Comment


                                    A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

                                    The girl replied in a loud voice:

                                    " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"


                                    All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

                                    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a
                                    laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

                                    The guy then responded in a loud voice:

                                    "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

                                    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

                                    The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

                                    Comment


                                      Genuine clip about the most important moment in life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5lgwopmKMw

                                      Comment


                                        Go to this website and click on the "801 Customer Reviews". I bet you'll smile, or probably laugh out loud when you read them.

                                        Comment


                                          Originally posted by Dekoda View Post
                                          Go to this website and click on the "801 Customer Reviews". I bet you'll smile, or probably laugh out loud when you read them.
                                          I know now not to buy 'em and to steer clear for anything like that containing those ingredients.

                                          Comment


                                            Two guys are sitting at the bar getting drunk. The first guy turns to the second guy and say, "Jeez man, did you just shit yourself?" The second guy says, "Yep!" The first guys says, "Well aren't you going to go to the men's room and clean yourself up?" The second guys say, "I'm not done yet."

                                            Comment


                                              Buying a gun



                                              When I was ready to pay for my bullets and gun powder, the cashier at the gun store said,



                                              "Strip down, facing me."



                                              Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok,

                                              I did just as she had instructed.



                                              When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that

                                              she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.



                                              I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

                                              They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

                                              Comment


                                                Here is my gingerbread house.
                                                Attached Files

                                                Comment


                                                  Hi Renae,

                                                  I've been reading on the threads about how you are working to revive the discussion boards. Perhaps you could work to revive one of my favorite threads from years gone by - Some Humor.

                                                  We all need a good belly laugh now and them, and I have gotten some really good ones here!

                                                  Anyone heard a good one lately, or found a good cartoon, picture, etc.?

                                                  Thanks for your work to revive the boards, o Mistress of the Boards. They are one of the things that set the site apart from others in a good way.

                                                  Comment


                                                    Click image for larger version

Name:	completing-LEGO.jpg
Views:	1
Size:	126.1 KB
ID:	649227

                                                    I love Fowl Language ^_^

                                                    Comment


                                                      Awesome idea! I'll be on the look out for funny stuff to add!

                                                      Comment


                                                        Wanted: Woman who loves Alan.

                                                        Also: Please can you tell me how to turn off predictive text.

                                                        Comment


                                                          A cop is on patrol one night, and it's getting close to midnight. He decides to drive up to the local lover's lane to see if there is anyone there doing things they shouldn't be doing. When he gets there, there is only one car parked there. The car has the interior lights on, there is a guy in the front seat reading a magazine, and a girl sitting in the back seat filing her fingernails. The cop is thinking that this is strange, so he parks his car, walks over to the driver's window, and knocks on it. The guy in the front seat rolls down his window, and says, "hello officer, can I help you?" The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm reading a computer magazine, sir." The cop points to the girl in the back seat and asks, "What's she doing?" The guy replies, "She's filing her fingernails, sir."

                                                          The cop thinks that this is really weird....he's never seen this happen at this lover's lane. He asks the guy, "How old are you son?" The guy replies, "I'm 20 years old, sir." The cop points at the girl in the back seat and says, "How old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in eleven minutes."

                                                          Comment


                                                            So its taken me a while, but I saw this and I was like omg, this is me
                                                            Attached Files

                                                            Comment


                                                              A pun walks into a bar, kills 10 people

                                                              Pun in, ten dead

                                                              Comment

                                                              Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter

                                                               
                                                              Sign up for the abby newsletter. Don't worry, we'll NEVER share your email address with anyone.
                                                              Working...
                                                              X