Some Humor

[sterling2]

not quite as funny as I would like

[wolfgangbuster29]

At the height of the famous 'Streaking' fad back in 1974 when folks could randomly be seen 'streaking' stark-naked in any unlikely and unexpected place and moment, WOWO-1190's morning man gets the surprise of his life and career with radio-1190 as he begins a routine announcement in his show when suddenly...

[sterling2]

just plain dumb stuff

[sterling2]

#humour
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!’
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[timbo83]

there are many harlem shake vids out there, but I must have watched this one 50 times in the last 3 days https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRYaGpDUfYU

[Luxman]

Timbo,

Honestly, this is the first Harlem Shake video I like. In my eyes this HS stuff is absolute crap...

Lxm

[sterling2]

some junk from the world tonight this is ten letters why is this to short tonight

[sterling2]

and a fine cat he is

[timbo83]

Timbo,

Honestly, this is the first Harlem Shake video I like. In my eyes this HS stuff is absolute crap...

Lxm

I agree Lux, the usual harlem shake video is not very creative in not very intelligent, but who doesn't love to see a washing machine get destroyed??

[wolfgangbuster29]

I agree Lux, the usual harlem shake video is not very creative in not very intelligent, but who doesn't love to see a washing machine get destroyed??

I'd rather watch century3horizons videos.- lol

[sterling2]

http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/fea...wth-shift.html

[sterling2]

"A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

... You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

[tjsunray]

[tjsunray]

[tjsunray]

[sterling2]

Sex On Mars
>
> The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
> accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
>
> They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
> Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
> how they make money, etc.
>
> Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
>
> 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
>
> The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
>
> A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
> the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
> off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
> weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
>
> 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
>
> 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
>
> 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
>
> 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
> With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
> impressively long.
>
> 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
>
> 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
> member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
> exciting to the woman.
>
> 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
>
> The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
> separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
> good?'
>
> 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
>
> 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
> slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
>
>
>
>
> IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

[sterling2]

There are many retirement options. Here is a guide to help you make the right choice.

You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Wisconsin where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y' all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR



YOU can retire to Chicago and hope you aren't one of the 500 people who get murdered every year...but don’t take your gun because Chicago has very restrictive anti-gun laws.





OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[sterling2]

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal



A husband walks into Victoria Secret, to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
...


He is shown several possibilities that range in price from $250 to $500 -- the more sheer, the higher the price.



He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer, that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."



She appears naked on the balcony, and strikes a pose.



The husband shouts up, "Good Grief"



"You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"



He never heard the shot



(Funeral is tomorrow at Noon - Closed Coffin)