nice one sterling!! I love number 2, I'll keep that one in mind
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My inconclusive travel plans for 2012
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!
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- A dude meets a girl in a bar and says, "I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."
The girl says, "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."
- My dad told me to stop masturbating or ill go blind.
I said dad I'm over here.
- We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can’t come, let us know.
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
she said: Cheque books.-
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Preparing for their wedding
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, “We realize it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes!”
“Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No.” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“It could lead to dancing.”
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When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass
the entrance exam.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an
important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors... The rest ended up in Congress.
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Study of your own Brain. Wow! I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers . Can you read it??. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. THE ANSWER IS BELOW: 7H15 M3554G353RV35 7O PR0V3H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4ND0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG17 WA5 H4RD BU7N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3Y0UR M1ND 1SR34D1NG 174U70M471C4LLYW17H 0U7 3V3N7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,B3 PROUD! 0NLYC3R741N P30PL3 C4NR3AD 7H15.PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15.
THIS MESSAGE SERVES TO PROVE HOW OUR MINDS DO AMAZING THINGS! IMPRESSIVE THINGS! IT WAS HARD BUT NOW ON THIS LINE YOUR MIND IS READING IT AUTOMATICALLY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, BE PROUD! ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN READ THIS. PLEASE, FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS.
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A fish stumbles off the Dublin streets and into a bar where he orders a pint. The barman says "What the fuck is a fish doing in here?"
The fish replies "It's raining" {{{{{{{{The next week the barman saw a frozen fish on a street , .... It was snowing I guess .. ! ;-)
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"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> the exchanges were taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> __________________________________________________ _____
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________________________ ____
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> __________________________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
> new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral...
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.
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What is Couple Sex?
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, This was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the
wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
--- What Is Couple Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will
be ready in just a couple secs.
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Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
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Last night, on a plane returning home, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political
things.
Being a US Congressman, my friend visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year, and he told me of what happened in a local
church this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had
them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."
The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you
gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
There was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten ..... you can bet that little boy's voice won't be forgotten anytime soon!
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The true meaning of Easter
Three men die and go up to the Pearly Gates and meet St. Peter. St. Peter tells them that they can only enter into heaven if they can tell him the true meaning of Easter.
The first guy says, "The true meaning of Easter? That's when the Easter Bunny gives the kids lots of chocolate eggs!"
St. Peter says, "No, that's not the true meaning of Easter. You can't enter Heaven."
The second guy says, "The true meaning of Easter....that's when they hide a bunch of dyed eggs all over the lawn and the kids have to go and find them."
St. Peter says, "No, that's not the true meaning of Easter. You can not enter Heaven."
The third guy....a dimwit, says, "I know the true meaning of Easter. Easter is when Jesus died on the cross for our sins, then they buried his body in a cave and covered the cave entrance with a large rock."
St. Peter says, "Yes, that is the true meaning...."
Dimwit, "Wait, I'm not finished! So they buried him in a cave and covered the entrance with a large rock. Once a year, he rolls the rock out of the way and sticks his head out.....if he sees his shadow...."
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AFTERNOON SEXThe only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in theapartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report onall the neighborhood activities."There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:"An ambulance just drove by!""Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out."Matt's riding a new bike!""Looks like the Sanders are moving!""Jason is on his skate board!"After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,"How do you know they're having sex?""Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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GARDEN
SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS!!!!!!
I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby
boxwood until I got this letter:GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE MURDEROUSLY DANGEROUS...
Snakes
also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater
, Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible
freeze.
It turned out that a little green
garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very
loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a
shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what
the problem was. She told him there was a snake under
the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands
and knees to look for it. About that time the family
dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought
the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over
on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart
attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still
and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed
in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him
out.
About that time, the snake came out from
under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician
saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the
snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who
volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the
woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But
while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the
cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under
the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying
there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned
from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's
mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in
the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,
knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point
where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the
woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so
she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to
the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and
began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now,
the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They
saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and
assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
about to arrest them all, when the women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little garden
snake!
The police called an ambulance, which
took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out
from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his
gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on
it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire
in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to
beat out the flames, and fell through the window into
the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an
oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the
parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the
burning drapes and called in the fire department. The
firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore
out the overhead wires, put out the power, and
disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire
out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged
from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog
came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.
A while later they were
watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he
thought they should bring in their plants for the
night.
And that's when he shot
her.
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HI TOM, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF THIS ONE.
GOD BLESS, TERRY
> A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
> He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
> "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
> "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
> The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
> The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
> The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
> The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
> "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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