Pussy jokes

[redhazervn]

Today, I remembered an old pussy joke. (The joke is old, not the pussy.) I was curious as to how many pussy jokes Abbywinters.com (ahem) members can think of. So here's my modest contribution to get the ball rolling:

A guy goes to an automobile dealership and is approached by a salesman. "Are you thinking about buying a new car?" he asks.
"No", the man replies. "I am going to buy a new car...I"m thinking about pussy!"

[Jamie]

Ok now this is a little long winded, please bare with me.

Once upon a time there was this fly and it was buzzing happily above this river next to a forest.
Below the fly was a large fish. The fish was watching and waiting for the fly to come down so he could jump up out of the water and eat the fly for dinner.
Watching the fish in a near by bush was a bear. He was looking at the fish and the bear noticed that the fish was looking at the fly buzzing happily above the water. The bear thought to him self "Now, if that fly comes down, the fish will jump up and I'll be able to jump out and grab the fish and have him for my dinner."
Behind a tree next to the river was a hunter and he was watching the bear and was waiting for him to come out from the bush so he could shoot him. He noticed the bear was watching a fish swimming in the river and the fish was watching a fly buzzing happily above the river and the hunter thought to him self "Now, if that fly came down the fish will jump up the bear will come out then I'll come out from behind the tree and shoot the bear."
Waiting in a hole was a mouse who was intently watching the hunter or more so the sandwich which was just about to fall out of his pocket. The mouse saw that the hunter was watching the bear, and the bear was watching the fish and the fish was watching the fly buzzing happily above the river and thought to him self "Now, if that fly comes down the fish will jump out of the water the bear will leap forward and the hunter will move from behind the tree and the sandwich will fall out of his pocket and I'll have it for my dinner."
Up in the tree was a cat watching and waiting for the mouse to come out of it's hole so that he could leap on it. The cat saw that the mouse was watching the hunter and the hunter was watching the bear, the bear was watching the fish and the fish was watching the fly buzzing happily above the water. "Now" thought the cat. "If that fly comes down the fish will jump up the bear will come out the hunter will move causing the sandwich to come out and then the mouse will come out of it's hole and I will pounce on it and have it for my dinner."

The fly came down and the fish jumped up and missed the fly the bear stumbled forward and fell over the hunter leaped out from behind the tree and missed the bear and the sandwich fell back into his pocket the mouse has got half way of of his hole when the cat came flying over head missed the mouse and fell in the river.

Any way the moral to the story is. "When a fly comes down a pussy gets wet"

[redhazervn]

Jamie, that's a wonderful fable. I think that was one of the stories that the nuns taught us back in the day, but I really wasn't paying attention. I was too busy thinking about pussy!

[nursefan]

There's this bloke who's a virgin and his best mate who is a real stud. One day the virgin tells the stud that he has a girl coming round to his house that night but he didn't know what to do.

The stud says, "Just stick your hairy thing in her hairy thing and thats it! Any problems give me a call."

Sure enough, that night the stud's mobile rings. It's the virgin saying "My heads stuck!"

[redhazervn]

A sergeant goes missing for a couple of days, and when he returns, the lieutenant is waiting for him.
"Goddamit, where the hell have you been?!" (They use some very unpleasant language in the Army.)
"Well, sir", he replies. "I had a bottle of whiskey and some pussy, and I thought the whiskey might evaporate, and the pussy smelled like it might not last too long!"

[redhazervn]

Jaime goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, can you take a look at my pussy?", which I don't think is the correct medical terminology.
"Yes, of course", he replies, and really, can you blame him?
So she drops her panties - er, knickers, and hops up onto the exam table.
After examining her thoroughly for 10 minutes, he announces "It looks o.k. to me...I can't find anything wrong with it."
"Yeah, Doc", she responds, "ain't it a beaut?!"

[redhazervn]

A girl comes home for the first time after being away at the university. She sits down to chat with her mom and says "Mom, I lost my virginity last week!"
Her mother replies, "Well, it had to happen sooner or later...I just hope it was a pleasurable experience for you, and that it felt good."
"Yes it did. Well, the first 7 or 8 guys anyway. After that my pussy got really sore!"

[connoisseur]

Caution - sexism advisory!

"Why do girls have pussies?"

"So men will talk to them"

[redhazervn]

A woman is strolling past a pet shop, when she notices a small, handwritten notice in the shop window. It reads:

CLITORIS LICKING FROG:
INQUIRE WITHIN

Intrigued, she decides to investigate. (It had been awhile since her pussy had a proper seeing to.)
She enters the shop, and says to the man behind the counter, "Good morning, I'm interested in the clitoris licking frog!"
He replies, "Mais oui, mademoiselle!"

[redhazervn]

A little boy asks his father what a vagina is like. "Well son, before sex it looks like a pink rose, with velvety petals and a heavenly aroma."
The boy asks, "And what about after sex?"
The father replies, "After sex? Well have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[redhazervn]

A young couple return from their first date and are saying goodnight on her front porch. While nibbling on her earlobe, the boy whispers "You know, I'd like a little pussy!"
"Me too", she responds, "mines as big as a house!"

[redhazervn]

A man and wife are in bed together, and the wife curls up to go to sleep. The husband turns on a reading lamp and opens a book. After a minute, he reaches over and slips his hand between his wife's thighs and fondles her sweet snatch.
Aroused, the wife sits up and starts taking off her nightgown.
"What are you doing?" the man asks.
"I thought you were ready to have sex", she answers.
"Oh, no", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers to turn the pages in my book!"

[redhazervn]

What does Hillary Clinton do after she shaves her pussy?
She powders his cheeks, and sends him off to work!

How is driving in the fog different than eating pussy?
While enjoying a box-lunch, you can see the asshole in front of you!

An American doctor and a French doctor meet at an International Gynecology Conference. After high-fiving each other, they agree to go out for a couple of brewskis (beer). Inevitably, they start talking shop. (Who would want to play stinky-pinky all day? Me, come to think of it!)
"Last week", the Frenchman begins, "I had a girl who's clitoris was like, how do you say, ze melon!"
"That's impossibe!" replies the Yank. "She wouldn't be able to sit down with such a huge clit!"
"You Americains, you think everything is about ze size...I was refering to ze flavor!"

[redhazervn]

A woman is sitting on her front porch, chatting with her friend, when she sees her husband come home from work, carrying a bunch of flowers.
"Oh, great", she says, "now I'll be spending the evening with my legs in the air!"
"Why?", her friend asks. "Don't you have a vase?"

A lesbian goes to the gynecologist, and he remarks on how clean her pussy is. "Thanks", she replies, "I have a woman in 4 times a week!"


A race car driver picks up a young girl, and they end up doing the nasty. He falls asleep, only to be awakened by a slap upside the head.
"What the hell? What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you?", he asks.
"It was in your sleep that you got in trouble", she explained. "You felt my fine-ass titties and said 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and said 'what a smooth finish'".
"What's wrong with that?", he asked, veritably dumbfounded.
"Nothing... but then you felt my pussy and yelled 'Goddammit, who left the garage door open!'"

[redhazervn]

A Yank decides to visit Oz after seeing all of the beautiful Aussie girls at Abbywinters.com. He is bound and determined to get some pussy while Down Under.
After walking around Sydney for a couple of days, the girls all ignore him (why should they be any different from American girls?), so he decides to try his luck at Bondi Beach. The girls there ignore him as well. It looked like he was going to end up punching the clown (masturbate).
He spots an Aussie with a girl on each arm, and manages to pull him aside.
"How do you do it? The girls just ignore me!"
"Well mate, try putting a potato in your swim trunks! It works for me!" the antipodean explained.
So, the next 3 days the Yank walked around the beach with a potato in his shorts but he was still ignored. Then he spotted his Australian acquaintance, and again he had 2 girls hanging on him.
"Hey buddy, I tried your potato stunt but it didn't work!"
The Aussie looked at him for a moment and then said "You're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your trunks!"

The Yank in this joke was a sexist asshole who didn't deserve any pussy, Aussie or otherwise. He actually thought this misogynistic joke was hilarious :
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing...bitch already been told twice!"

[redhazervn]

These 2 pud-knockers are shooting the shit when one announces that there is a new whorehouse in town. "As a matter of fact, I'm on my way over there right now to get me some pussy!" His buddy replies "Let me know how it is!'
So an hour later, the party of the first part returns, and his buddy asks "How was the pussy?" The guy replies, "Oh, I didn't get any pussy, but I got something even better!" (I don't like where this joke is going. I hope he didn't fuck this girl up the ol' poop chute!)
"Better than pussy!!! What did she do?"
"Well sir, she put a doughnut on my pecker, covered it with whipped cream, and then gobbled the whole thing down! It was better than any pussy I've ever had!"
"Goddam!" his buddy cried, "I'm going over there myself!"
"Ask for a blonde named Patti!"
An hour later he returns, and his friend says "So how was it?"
"Well, that blonde was busy with another customer and I was too impatient to wait, so I went upstairs with a little JAP" (Jewish American Princess).
"Oh, yeah? Did she put a doughnut on your crank?"
"Not exactly. She put a bagel on my unit, and then smeared it with cream cheeze and lox!"
"And then she gobbled it down, right?"
"No", he answered. "It looked so good, I ate it myself!"

[redhazervn]

A woman moves to a new town, and the local ladies invite her over for a cuppa to get acquainted. After exchanging a few pleasantries, one of the ladies asks "So what brings you to our fair city?"
The newcomer explains, "Well, I used to be a man! I got me one of them sex change operations, you know, where they peel your dick like a banana, cut away the excess meat, throw the balls away, and fashion a pussy out of what's left!"
The women are stunned into speechlessness! Finally, one of them manages to stammer "Oh, my!... Well!... Gee!... Gosh!... Damn!...Wow, that must have really hurt when they cut off your penis!"
"No", she replies. "Not as much as when they scooped out half my brains!"

[redhazervn]

A girl goes to a tattoo parlor, and has a portrait of Elvis tattooed on both of her inner thighs. She shows off her new tats to her girlfriend who says "That doesn't look anything like Elvis!"
"Sure it does! Let's show them to somebody else, without telling them who it's supposed to be, and see what they say!"
So when another friend drops by, the girl climbs out of her shorts, spreads her legs, and asks , "Who do these tattoos look like?"
"I don't know about the tattoos", he responds, "but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

[redhazervn]

This guy asks a minister "What's the difference between heaven and hell?"
"Well sir", the minister replies, "in heaven, the British are the police, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the Swiss are the engineers, and the Germans are the mechanics...* but in hell, the Huns are the police, the Brits are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers, the Eye-ties are the engineers and the French are the mechancics!" **

* and the girls all look like Jamie
** the radio announcers are all Australian, and there's no pussy!

[redhazervn]

Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can bitch and moan at the same time!

[redhazervn]

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, and the other is a crack snacker!

In China they've found the fossilised remains of a hitherto unknown species of lesbian dinosaur. They're calling it Licksalotapus.

Two guys are walking down the road, chatting about pussy, when they see a dog sitting there licking his balls.
"Goddam! I wish I could do that", says the first guy.
"I dunno", his pal replied, "I think you're gonna have to pet him first!"

A guy is so goddam horny that the crack of dawn had best be careful around him, so he decides to go out and rustle up a little pussy before he busts. So he goes to a nearby bar, orders himself a drink, and spotting a pretty girl (what some Americans might call 'a fine bitch') asks the bartender to get her a drink as well. The bartender says "She's a lesbian!" The guy replies "I don't care...give her a drink!"
Later, he asks the bartender to give her another drink, and the bartender again says "You're wasting your time buddy...she's a lesbian!" The guy insists on buying her another drink anyway.
Deciding that it was time to move in for the kill, the guy casually sidles up to the girl and ask "So... what part of Lesbia are you from?"

[arsby]

My goodness, when Jamie and I and others were trading really really bad jokes I didn't think it could get any worse, but by golly, Redhazervn, I think you've hit new lows!
I love it!
Can't wait for my 13-yr-old to come home from camp -- he'll love these!

[redhazervn]

Arsby, here's one your son can tell his mates:

Ma and Pa hitch up the team to go into town for some supplies, leaving behind their two teenagers, Jack and Jill.
It being a hot day, they both lie down on the floor of their cabin to enjoy the cool breeze blowing up through the cracks in the floor. Eventually, they realize that it would be even cooler if they took off their clothes, so they both took off their overalls and lay there butt nekkid.
Jill looked over at her brother, and then playfully pinched his hillbilly pecker. When it started to stiffen, she gently cupped his balls. Within seconds, she had a throbbing boner in her hand. "Goddam, Jack! D'you think you can put that thing inside me?"
"Well, I'd have to make sure you're nice and wet first", he replied, squeezing her plump titties, and rolling her thick nipples between his fingers.
Then, burying his face between her legs, he inhaled the cotton candy aroma of her golden pubes, and then chewed on her meaty pussy lips before gently nibbling on her love button. "Goddam, Jack! Put it in right now!" she demanded. So, eager to please, Jack took his swollen member, and ran it up and down his sister's velvety thigh before bouncing it up and down on her clit. Then, he slowly ran the tip of his cock up and down her wet slit before gently pushing it in, all the way up to his big, heavy balls.
After bumping uglies for a few minutes, Jack cracked a nut, and filled his sister's womb with his molten love lava.
"Goddam, Jack! Shit! You're pretty good at this! Why, hell, I reckon you're alot better'n Pa!"
"Yeah, I know", Jack replied. "That's what Ma said!"

[arsby]

"Bumping uglies"???
Derivation, please?

[redhazervn]

I first heard that in the movie SWEET DREAMS (1985), with Jessica Lange as Patsy Cline. Her future husband, played by Ed Harris, suggested that they 'bump uglies' on the night they met.

[redhazervn]

An old Jew goes to confession and tells the priest, "Last night I went home with a 23 year old flight attendant who licked my balls, sucked my dick, sat on my face, and then fucked me six ways from Sunday!"
The priest is stunned, but finally he manages to say "Why are you telling me this...you're not even Catholic?"
The old guy replies, "Telling you? Hell, I'm telling everyone!"

The same priest is walking down the street, when a working girl says, "Hey, Father! How about a blowjob? Only 20 bucks!"
The priest, having led an ecclesiastic life, didn't know what a blowjob was, so he just said "No, thank you!"
Later, he started wondering just what a blowjob was, and why it would be worth 20 bucks. So, he decided to ask somebody back at the parish. Mother Superior was the first person he ran into.
"Mother Superior", he asked, "what's a blowjob?"
"Twenty bucks", she replied, "same as downtown!"

Why is a woman's mid-riff called a waste?
Because there's enough room for another pair of tits!

[t_b]

A couple are on holiday in South America. It's coming up to the end of their holiday and they're looking forward to getting home.
The husband was trying to think of what he should take home with him... He then suddenly had a brain-wave!
"Hey darling, I've had a brilliant idea that could make us a few quid when we get back to Blighty"
"Oh yeah... what that then...?" His wife replied gingerly...
"We're gonna smuggle back some endangered animals back to England and sell them to a pet shop... the dodgy ones pay good money for this sort of thing!"
His wife just sighed in disbelief.
The next day he went off to find some suitable endangered animals...
He returned that evening and proudly showed his wife what he had found to smuggle back. It was snake and a skunk.
His wife just looked at him, laughed and inquired:
"OK smart arse, how are we gonna get these through customs then aye?"
"It's easy!" he replied...
"I'm gonna put the snake round my neck and tie it like a tie... they'll never know!!!"
"Right... and what about the skunk???" She replied sarcastically.
"That's easy too! We're gonna hide it in your knickers!"
"!?! And what about he smell?"
"...well if it dies, it dies"

[arsby]

Got me laughing, T_B!

[chiefbrody]

Blonde Girl Joke

A blonde girl went into a pub and saw a tramp wearing boots one with the letter L,the other the letter R,can I ask what the letters on your boots mean,she said,yes the tramp said,L means left and R means right,it's so I don't put my boots on the wrong feet,
of course she said,that's why my knickers have got C&A written on them.

[wannadance]

brody!!!

i am SHOCKED.

shocked, ah tellyew...

(snork....)

dancer