Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount
of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from
orbit because of many unusual features, including what at
first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern
edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the
girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still
call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only
are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they
can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the
status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign
lands are classified as either continent, island, or country,
Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in
this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd,
and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids
on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be
more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, (though those that are there are usually deadly)
possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even
the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under
toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere
else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the
Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the
most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as
ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in
the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out
to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
undestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay
builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night,
they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have
hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and
this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by
snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars,
the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its
burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand
down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and
think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its
muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with
incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate
hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the
Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then
bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat
prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the
third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians
don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus,
estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill,
otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic
prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous
barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago,
some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the
available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived
learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place
in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and
spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from
the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with
a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to
plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the
reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the
planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them
died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured
ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always
consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they
encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate
(marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on
Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are
subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly
still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their
essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the
entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea
will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of
its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats,
you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they
are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a
kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they
smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron,
string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem
to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of
the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is,
in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none,
strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be
right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is
imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of
Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't
care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,
eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here}
country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving,
some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first
night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of
initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an
astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing
strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get
home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his
first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to
which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every
stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be
accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered
the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and
refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
"G'Day!"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
"She'll be right."
"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise
their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is
clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at
midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the
overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and
the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a
household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his
ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason
whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong
you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a
trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when
there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water
with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians,
there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also:
"Deserts: How to die in them"
"The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and
"Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees,
shrubs, fish and the sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
By the late Douglas Adams
of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from
orbit because of many unusual features, including what at
first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern
edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the
girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still
call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only
are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they
can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the
status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign
lands are classified as either continent, island, or country,
Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in
this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd,
and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids
on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be
more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, (though those that are there are usually deadly)
possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even
the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under
toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere
else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the
Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the
most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as
ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in
the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out
to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
undestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay
builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night,
they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have
hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and
this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by
snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars,
the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its
burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand
down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and
think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its
muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with
incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate
hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the
Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then
bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat
prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the
third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians
don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus,
estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill,
otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic
prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous
barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago,
some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the
available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived
learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place
in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and
spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from
the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with
a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to
plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the
reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the
planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them
died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured
ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always
consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they
encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate
(marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on
Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are
subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly
still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their
essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the
entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea
will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of
its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats,
you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they
are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a
kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they
smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron,
string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem
to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of
the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is,
in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none,
strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be
right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is
imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of
Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't
care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,
eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here}
country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving,
some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first
night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of
initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an
astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing
strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get
home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his
first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to
which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every
stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be
accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered
the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and
refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
"G'Day!"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
"She'll be right."
"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise
their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is
clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at
midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the
overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and
the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a
household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his
ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason
whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong
you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a
trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when
there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water
with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians,
there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also:
"Deserts: How to die in them"
"The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and
"Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees,
shrubs, fish and the sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
By the late Douglas Adams
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