View Full Version : Dad's Ten Rules Of Dating (warning: mundane)

19th October 2004, 12:35 AM
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you sure in hell ain't picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
* places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
* places where there is darkness.
* places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
* places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
* movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay, hockey games are okay, old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

19th October 2004, 01:35 AM
Let me guess, a lad that you didn't totally approve of picked your daughter up for a date recently. I can picture you writing this long list, soon after your daughter left for her date. It's obvious that you put a log of throught into this while you were trying to calm down a little bit.

Am I close?

The world has been warned, Mr. Quartz, and we are afraid.

19th October 2004, 03:26 AM

What's your daughters name? If I meet her I will RUN.

The wall was high and I fell asleep"

19th October 2004, 04:35 AM
And how would daddy feel about his daughter earning a few extra dollars with an enterprise called AW.com?

19th October 2004, 07:17 PM
In fact, this rant appears to have originated at an Iron Maiden Bulletin Board. Needless to say, it was passed on to me by a friend of a friend of a friend of a tone-deaf acquaintance with a predilection for bad, hi-speed opera .. I do not, repeat not frequent Iron Maiden sites. Nor am I pot-bellied, bald, middle-aged, dim-witted or cursedblessed with offspring of any persuasion. I may have dated his daughter at one time, though.

19th October 2004, 11:27 PM
In fact, this rant appears to have originated at an Iron Maiden Bulletin Board.
Glad to see fans of 'The Maiden' are still living a rock'n'roll lifestyle...

22nd October 2004, 11:22 PM
Does this have anything to do with the series the late John Ritter was in(God bless his soul)

It sounds Like something that he would say?? LOL

anyway Later Dudes

24th October 2004, 10:58 PM
In fact, this rant appears to have originated at an Iron Maiden Bulletin Board.
Wasn't Iron Maiden's biggest hit (in the UK at least) 'Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter'?

Presumably it was subtitled 'Only way to keep her being defiled by randy teenage boys'.

28th October 2004, 03:00 PM
"I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.". That has such a lovely ring to it. But as the owner of 56 acres, I got pretty sick of walking, not to mention the digging, so I bought a bobcat. Much less effort!


3rd November 2004, 06:01 PM
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.;)