Cass's crappy joke thread (bring it on)

[cass]

Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

A. To get to the bottom!

[cass]

Hello darling readers,

Here's a silly new place to store our very slick collection of ultra crappy jokes.

Here I go...

A blonde walks into a supermarket and says to the assistant,
"Yes excuse me (hm ha giggle), could you please point me in the direction of the bottom deodorant?"

"Did you say 'Bottom deodorant mam?" The assistant replies, "Because we don't actually stock anything of the sort"

"Oh, you do", she say's doefully, "I know, because I've bought it here before. I've just forgotten where it is."

Confused the assistant continues, "No mam, I swear. I do all the stock taking and I re-stock all the shelves, and I'm telling you madam, that I've never come across a deodorant for bottoms".

By this stage both the assistant and the blonde are getting quite frustrated.

"I'd like to speak with your manager", replies the blonde tartly."because I'm telling you, you DO sell bottom deodorant, and I'm not walking out of here until I've purchased some!"

So off trods the assistant and informs his boss about the very ditzy and wierd blonde out front who wants some f#@king deodorant for her ass.

"Yes, good morning Madam. My assistant tells me you're looking for 'Bottom Deodorant'. I'm afraid we don't actually stock any product of this sort".

The blonde is irrate. In a fit of rage she cries, "This is ridiculous. You do sell it because I've bought-it-here-before! Take me to your deodorant section and I'll prove it to you. I've just forgotten where it is, that's all!"

So they walk over to the shelves with all the deodorants, and the manager stands beside her as she scans her finger over the shelves until...

"UH-HA!" She cries out. "Here it is here, SEEEEEeee" and pointing to the label reads out very haughtily, "To apply, push up bottom!"

[trapnel]

Q: Why does the Treasury only allow 10 minutes for morning tea break?

A: If they took any longer they'd have to retrain all the economists.

[cass]

A really sexy gorgeous woman walks into a bar and says huskily to the shy and bewildered young barman,
"Hey there gorgeous, have you got a ladies room I could use?"

Nervously he replies,
"Why Y-y-y-yes madam, it's just over there".

'"Thankyou sugar", she answers and swings on over leaving the barman watching after her lustfully.

A while later the sexy lady emerges from the loos and walks back over to the bar, and with a beckoning finger, she lures the young man to her.

Leaning over the bar towards him she starts to run her fingers through his lovely hair.

"Excuse me honey", she says to him, and begins to slide individual fingers in and out of his lovely wet mouth. "I just thought I should let you know..."

"Yes? Tell me, tell me", groans the young man, sucking hungrily as her slender fingers.

"Well, I just thought I should let you know that, ...there's no toilet paper in the ladies!"

[arsby]

Q: What did the blonde's right knee say to her left knee?
A: Nothing, they never met.

Didja hear about the abortion clinic for blondes that has a year-long waiting list?

[trapnel]

This is a really, really silly joke but I love it:

Father: I found out that man who's been seeing our daughter is a jockey. No daughter of mine is going to date a jockey

Mother: But my dear, how do you know he's a jockey?

Father: Well, last night she came in at ten to one.

[arsby]

>

Sort of like the time to go to a dentist is two-thirty. (Tooth hurty)

Cass, here's one to tell the 4-yr-old kids at the party:
"Mommy, mommy, I'm 13 now, can I wear a bra?"
"Shut up, Henry."

And my favorite knock-knock joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there.
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep!

[Abby]

What do you call a Psychic Midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

[arsby]

You reminded me of this one:

Whenever you are walking down the street and see a fortune teller who is laughing, make sure to hit her very hard.

You should always strike a happy medium.

[arsby]

Chris's thread about celebrity fetishes down below reminded me of this one:

Didja hear about the 80-yr-old man who got hauled in for attempted rape?
The charged him with assault with a dead weapon.

Well, I'm on topic, at least. It does say crappy jokes.

[cass]

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like I want to go camping"

Doctor: "You're too tense (tents"

Ahhh, I give up!

[cass]

Attempt 2#

A man comes flying through the door of a doctors surgery and pleads with the receptionist

"I need to see the doctor right now, it's an emergency"

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replies, "But the doctor is busy. You'll have to wait".

"I can't wait", he cries, "It's an emergency, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking".

"I'm really sorry sir", answers the receptionist shortly, 'But you'll just have to be a little patient!"

Ha, I kill me!

[cass]

GARY LARSON IS THE 'KING'OF FUNNY!

[jus1drun]

Cass:
LOL at that last entry...i know it's old but it struck just right...thanks for the laugh img tag disable, use attachment mgr/system to add images to postshttp://www.abbywinters.com/discus/clipart/happy.gif xoxox

Pardon Me While I Lower My IQ:

the following arent jokes but anecdotes from the ramblings of celebs (who are jokes); are there really ppl like this?

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -Britney Spears

"I think that [the film] Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." -Alicia Silverstone

[cass]

Q. What's brown and hairy, moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T and has a U and an N in the middle?

A. A coconut you dirty barstard!

[cass]

Q. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A. To see what was on theother side!

Q.What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. The 1984 hide and seek champion.

Q. If a blonde and a brunette jumped off the empire states building who would land first?
A. The brunette. Because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

[redstar]

Married Men don't live longer, it just FEELS that way.


A woman was arguing with her husband about money, since it's been several weeks after he got laid off.
"Since you can't or won't get a job, I guess it's up to me to start earning money!"
The husband laughs and says "Yeah, right, doing what???"
"Well, I'll just walk the streets and sell my body." says the woman, as she walks out and slams the door.
"Huh!?!" he says.

Several hours later, she comes back in, walking tall and proud.
She drops the money on the kitchen table and says "See!! I already earned $4.10."
The husband, a little confused, asks "Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Then she answers "Everyone".

[cass]

Last night Abby, Videoman, Tara and I all piled into Abby's car and headed down town for a dose of comedy action. My lovely friend Katrina (siterf Selina) invited us to come along, so after work Tara came by and we all went together.

It started with a bang when we arrived. We found Katrina sitting at a table of Irish girls who ,without saying, are always the life of the party.
We'd been there but 10 minutes when the bar man walked over and offered us bottles of free wine if we would take our whole party to the front of the room to support the upcoming acts. The Irish were there before we could blink (so was I come to think of it)and the night began.

The MC was the funniest guy I had ever seen. He was not only hilarious with all the cracks he pulled, but he looked a bit like a half eaten prune which made his act twice as funny. I swear I went to bed laughing. My sides hurt today.

All the acts were fair dinkum aussie with each comedian sporting a thick ocker accent (ocker meaning somewhat outback uncultured vocabulary). They told the most ferral and funny jokes and Abby and I sat there nudging each other saying things like "Oh, that's a great one for the boards", and "Oh, Arsby would love that one(chuckle chuckle)".

All in all it was loads of fun. One of the Irish chicks ended up flashing her tits and somehow had a showdown with an American girls on the opposite side of the room about who had the best boobs. It was so bloody funny. We were cacking ourselves as they spat things across the room like "At least mine are real", and really bitch fighty stuff like that! They hugged at the end of the night though and the comedian asked if he could join in.


Oh, I have some really exciting news. Tara, my friend whose picture is in my thread of the models speaks (Gidday, Cass here), has just moved into my house with me. I also have a gorgeous mexican flatmate (she make the best tortilla's), and a dog called Elle McPherson. It a great household. Especially with the wonderful new addition.

Gorgeous Tara is very excited because tomorrow she gets her braces off which have been with her for two and a half year. I know for some of you this is a little dissapointing as she looks so cute, however,it's all very exciting for her alomg with the fact that she'll be 18 soon. All grown up and no where to go. What do you think I should give her for her birthday?

Love you all
Have a dandy day
I think it's going to rain in Sydney today. Bugger!

xxx Cass xxx

[redstar]

What great fun Cass! Wish I could have been there.
Your description of the night is the next best thing. img tag disable, use attachment mgr/system to add images to postshttp://www.abbywinters.com/discus/clipart/happy.gif

Let me tell you about an interesting night I had at one of those Comedy Clubs here in the US.
I wanted to take my girlfriend to some place special for her birthday, and she liked the idea of seeing a show.
So when I told her about the Comedy Club, that included a nice dinner, and a table up close, she was very excited.
People that buy dinner, get in early, and we got a table right up front.

Well, dinner was great, and we were all ready for the show to begin.
There were 3 comedians that night, and we were laughing our butts off, until...
The third comedian decided to pick on my girlfriend with some of his jokes, and she was NOT taking them well. img tag disable, use attachment mgr/system to add images to postshttp://www.abbywinters.com/discus/clipart/sad.gif

As you can probably guess, I got the blame, and that was the last time we went out.
So dating and comedy is no laughing matter. :P

Cass give Tara something that will last, and she will remember you by forever, like a figurine, or something like that about something she likes.
Or you could risk it all, and get her one of those wacky dildos! (No! Don't do that.)

However, do tell Tara that if she ever considers being an Abbywinters.com model when she turns 18, some of the members, like me, would be honored to view her portfolio.

Cass, thanks for the story.
Love ya,

Redstar

[cass]

Thanks Redstar,
That's a funny story, although I bet at the time it wasn't so funny. I would have gone up to that wannabe comedian and.......!

Anyway, if you like interesting stories you ought to check out my latest post on the "what turns you on" thread.
Take it easy babe
Cass xxx

[cass]

Never fool around with a little old lady!
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

[cass]

A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

[cass]

Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[cass]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.

The woman says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid," said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"

The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."

A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"

[cass]

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy img tag disable, use attachment mgr/system to add images to postshttp://www.abbywinters.com/discus/clipart/happy.gif.

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[cass]

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drives off to the right and the other drives off to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

[cass]

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

[arsby]

Bad.
Real bad.
Bad.
Funny.
Not funny.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.

1 out of 7. Oh, well. They're on-topic, at least.

[cass]

This is one that Susie sent me to pass on!
By the way, for those of you who didn't know Virgin Blue is a budget Airline.

A mother had 3 Virgin daughters and they were all getting married within
a short period of time. Because mum was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a post
card from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The
first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but "Nescafe". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to
the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar, it read "Good till the last
drop". Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl
sent a card from the Caribbean a week after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Benson and Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her
husbands cigarettes and read the pack, "Extra long, King Size". Mum was
again slightly embarrassed but happy for her daughter. The third
daughter left for Port Douglas. Mum waited a week, nothing. She waited
another week, still nothing. Then after a month had past a post card
finally arrived. Written in Shaky handwriting were the words "Virgin
Blue". Mum took out her copies of flight magazines and after about an
hour of searching she found the Virgin Blue ad. The ad read, "3 times a
day, seven days a week, both ways". Mum fainted...

[redstar]

Damn, I am LMAO!!

Thanks Cass. img tag disable, use attachment mgr/system to add images to postshttp://www.abbywinters.com/discus/clipart/happy.gif

Where do you keep getting all the jokes?
I think they are great.

I really like the one about the deaf mutes.

Here is another one:

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!