Some Humor

[Dekoda]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shltty haircut?"

[Dekoda]

Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …



Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.



Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 2,000 sq meter apartment on the North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.



Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.



Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand four parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.



Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target, they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.

Mary admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Dekoda]

Why don't witches wear panties?.........So when they fly around, they can get a better grip on their broomsticks.

[Dekoda]

A guy was walking through WalMart with 6 kids, the youngest being 2 years old. The two year old was throwing things, screaming and being difficult, but the man had everything under control. A woman walked by, and with her nose up in the air asked the man, "Are those your kids?" The man replied sarcastically, "No mam, of course not. I work for a condom company and these are just customer complaints."

[Dekoda]

This guy dies and goes up to St. Peter. St. Peter shakes his head and says, I can't let you into heaven just yet, you cheated on your income taxes, so for penance, you have to live with this woman for the next 5 years, then you'll be allowed into heaven. The guy looks at the woman and she's ugly...I mean really ugly, but the guy figures, "Heck, it's only for 5 years, then I'll be allowed into heaven. So he agrees, and as he's walking away with the woman, he's thinking to himself, "Man, those damn income taxes!"

The next guy comes up to St. Peter, and St. Peter shakes his head again and says, "I can't allow you to enter heaven just yet, you also cheated on your income taxes, so for penance, you have to live with this woman for the next 5 years, and then you'll be allowed into heaven." The guy looks at the woman, and she's just as ugly as the first guy's woman was, but like the first guy, he figures that it's only for 5 years, then he'll be allowed into heaven, so he agrees. As he's walking away with the woman, he's thinking the same thing that the first guy was thinking..."Man, those damn income taxes!"

So the second guy catches up to the first guy, and they start chatting, then, they look ahead and see a guy that they both know, but this guy has a beautiful, sexy woman...she looks like a super model, and the guys are envious. When they catch up to this guy, they ask him, "Man, how in the world did you get someone like her?" The guy says, "I don't know....I don't know what I did right, but I'm not complaining! Heck, I've got to live with this woman for the next five years, and I'm excited and really looking forward to it!"

So the two guys congratulate him and wish him well, and as they start to walk away, they walk by the beautiful woman, and they hear her say, "Man, those damn income taxes!"

[Dekoda]

These two dogs and one cat arrive at the pearly gates, and St.Peter wasn't sure what to do with them, so he tells them to follow him and he'll take them to God to see what he wants to do. After a brief walk, St. Peter and the dogs and cat arrive at God, who is sitting in his golden throne. St. Peter explains the situation, so God looks at the first dog, an Irish Setter, and asks the dog, "While you were on Earth, what were your expectations?" The dog replies, "Well, I expected my family to love me, and for me to love them. I expected them to play with me, and I expected that I would be a loyal companion to them, and would snuggle up to them if they were in some kind of discomfort, just to let them know that they had a companion."

God said, "That's very good. Come here and sit by me."

God then asked the next dog, a Doberman, what he expected during his life, and the Doberman replied, "Well, I also expected my family to love me, and for me to love them, but I also was there to protect them, to keep them safe from harm, and if need be, to give my life to protect them."

God said, "That's good. Here, come sit next to me."

God looked at the cat and asked him what his expectations were. The cat looked at God and said, "I'm expecting you to get out of my chair."

[Dekoda]

I saw my doctor last week for a checkup. She told me that I needed to stop masturbating. I asked her why? She said, "because I'm trying to examine you."😁

[Dekoda]

Here is an old joke, that I guess that many of you have heard. This young guy goes into a drugstore, walks up to the pharmacist, and says that he wants to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asks him how many condoms he wants to buy. The young man thinks for a bit, then says that he's not sure. He tells the pharmacist that he's been dating his girlfriend for a while now, and that he's sure that tonight's the night. He tells the pharmacist that his girlfriend lives with her parents, and that they have invited him over for dinner. The young man tells the pharmacist that, after dinner, he and his girlfriend will be going off on their own for a bit, and they once the leave, he's going to get lucky. The young man points to a box of condoms, and asks the pharmacist how many condoms it contains. The pharmacist says that it contains 5 condoms. The young man says that he wants to buy that box, since he thinks that he's going to lucky more than once that night.

That night, when the young man sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents, he asks if he can give the blessing for the meal. Everyone says that it's fine. The young prays for a number of minutes, and his girlfriend is surprised at this. Once the young man is finished with his blessing, his girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "You never told me how religious you were."

The young man leans over to his girlfriend and whispers to her, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

[Dekoda]

As I get older, I think about dying...not all of the time, but from time to time. I only hope that when I do die, I die like my uncle did....he died peacefully and in his sleep....unlike the passengers in his car...😀

[Dekoda]

I was just diagnosed with asthma, and my pulmonary doctor gave me an inhaler to use. The inhaler is a dry powder type of inhaler, and because it's a dry powder, it is making me hoarse. My ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor switched me to a mist inhaler, but that seems to be doing the same thing. I just hate it when I talk to somebody and I sound like a pony....you know, a little hoarse.😁

[Dekoda]

While this isn't a joke, I was wondering if anyone can explain this to me, since I'm unable to find an answer for it. Water is clear right? I mean it has no color, so why is it than when you get water on your clothing, your clothing turns dark? What makes it turn dark if water has no color? Can anyone explain this to me?

[Smegontoast]

Dekoda This might help explain somewhat, still seems a bit confusing though... https://www.sciencefocus.com/science...arker-when-wet