Some Humor

[oncall]

One of my favorites......

Q. Why did the sex starved chicken cross the basketball court ?

A. Cause he heard the Referee was blowing fouls.


oncall

[matchless]

Speaking of God ...

It was a long season and yet one more Hurricane was headed towards land. The townsfolk were all evacuating, but some went to the church to pray first. The preacher prayed with them and as the last members of the congregation left, one turned to the preacher and asked, "aren't you moving to higher ground?" The preacher simply folded his hands and said, "God will watch over and protect me."

The storm was furious! Winds blew down the steeple of the church and nearly tore off the roof. After the worst had passed, all seemed well until the levees gave way. Water flooded the town, turning Main Street into a dangerous, raging river. The preacher managed to make it to safely to the roof of the church, where he calmly waited and prayed. His faith in God was strong, indeed, and it had saved him.

Soon a rescue boat approached the preacher and what was left of the church. The rescuers yelled up to the preacher to get in so they could take him to safety. He calmly replied, "I'm alright. I'm sure there are others who need your help more. The Lord is watching over me." Try as they might, nothing would get the preacher off the roof so they left him.

A short time later, a Coast Guard helicopter arrived. They threw a rope ladder down to the preacher on the church but he still just sat there. He tried yelling up that he was okay and didn't need their help. "God holds me in His hands! I'm fine!" But they couldn't hear him; they just kept pointing at the rope. He stood up, waving his arms, trying to wave them away. They didn't want to leave him there, but no matter how much they tried to convince him to do so, he would not get on the ladder. And so they left. And as he tried to sit down, his foot slipped and he fell suddenly and fatally into the cold water below.

Now he stood before God in Heaven. "How could I have died. I have believed in you my whole life. I had faith that you would watch over me ...?"

God said, "Well, I sent you the boat and the helicopter. What more did you want?"

[BigSpud]

Speaking of God ......God said, "Well, I sent you the boat and the helicopter. What more did you want?"

Thanks matchless, That is one of my absolute favorites of all time. And it contains so much truth relevant to so many things.

[BigSpud]

Found on the net:

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it.. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"

[matchless]

First you comment on the truth in the joke I relayed, then you post these true quotes from Olympic commentators. Bravo, Spud-man!

Has anyone here seen the movie The Aristocrats? If this thread dies down, I might post a version of the joke myself ... or maybe that's something better left to the professionals?

[BigSpud]

Hey Matchless,

I see you are keeping a close eye on things. Yes, the truth is sometimes much funnier than anything we could make up.

[artlover]

Years ago Arnold Palmer was on the Carson show. Johnny asked him if he had any pre-game rituals. Arnie replied that before every match his wife kissed his balls. Carson replied, "I'll be that makes your putter stand on end". Riotous laughter ensued. Carson could get away with almost anything.

[yusanord]

About real life funny things I dunno how well known http://www.engrish.com is, but I have just found it recently. I have had many good laughs. Like bar named Vulva in Signs/Posters category and loads of more.

yusa

[Randomthoughts]

I do not feel, personally that there should be any suppression in the freedom of speech as displayed in the move "The Aristocrats"
Haven't seen the movie, but you can GOOGLE many versions by many great artists (my fav being the southpark vid)
Matchless, not sure if it would go down well on this board, but if everyone is ok and you are OK with dropping your dirty laundry go ahead!
If you don't PM me, love to see your twistedness...

Random Thoughts...

Has anyone here seen the movie The Aristocrats? If this thread dies down, I might post a version of the joke myself ... or maybe that's something better left to the professionals?

[Duaane]

yep the last "great" US late night talk-showmen, in 1979 "his" company bought the Tropacana Cassion/hotel in Las vagas, took him less the 24 hour to raise the nessasary 180 million (the cost of the cassino/hotel, to re-open the doors. In 1997 180mil is like 10x as much today, so ....

Alsp like his predeath obituary {we'll be right back}. Only 2 guest made him quite down (Don Riccels's and John Wayne). He canceled a whole night including a congressmen do to Robin Williams first apperence, on his show.But I am old as most rocks LMAO: (I was there). Seen the only totally (or last) LV. cassion(sp) show with {arrr ? the giel from behind the green door}, Marilin chanbors??

Carson could get away with almost anything.

[Luxman]

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says: "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

[liandra]

These were supposedly reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


"Were you present when your picture was taken?"


Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


"Did he kill you?"


"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


"How many times have you committed suicide?"


Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"


Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"


Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."


Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."


Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."


Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."


Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood.

[blissed]

Dubya studied History, but it looks as if he could have just as easily been a lawyer

[Rubarack]

I remember reading a book of similar stories to those.

"And could you repeat what the man said then?"

"No I could not"

"Why not?"

"Because it's not fit for any decent man to hear"

"That's okay, just lean over and whisper it in the judges ear"

[alexbee]

Got this one from my brother

A man and a woman who have never met before, but are both married to other people, find themselves assigned to the same compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f ****ing blanket!"

After a brief moment of silence he farted.

[josephine_s]

Your favorite jokes!

Here are some of mine:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A STICK!


So there are these two muffins in an oven. One turns to the other and says "hey, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?". The other muffin turns around and says "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"


Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That's not funny!


And this joke is best told out loud, but you'll get it anyway:
Q: Knock knock?
A: Who's there?
Q: Bob the interrupting cow!
A: Bob the interuppting cow ----------
Q: (interrupt them) MOO!

Oh! and:
Q: What kind of bees make money?
A; Boo-bees!

Yeah. I like dumb jokes.

[Bman21]

Q: Why did the kid fall off his bicycle?
A: Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was masturbating with both hands.


Ahh, stupid jokes rule

[josephine_s]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was DEAD!

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was stapled to the first monkey!

Julia Roberts walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"


And another one of my very favorites:
Q: What has seven arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard!

[blissed]

I like the Def leopard one you should post it on their website.

[arsby]

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure!

My favorite joke:
Knock Knock.
Who's there.
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep.

[BigSpud]

Why did the child take a tape measure to bed?

To see how long they slept!

[Tank]

This morning I asked both my 7 year old & 5 year old "What's brown and sticky?" & when I told them both a stick, I was informed that NO IT ISN'T!!

Gotta love 'em.

Tank

[Leprechaun]

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Reminds me of Joseph Heller's Catch 22. A general holding a court martial is talking to the court reporter...

Gen: Read back the last line.
Rep: Read back the last line.
Gen: Not MY last line, you idiot! Somebody ELSE'S last line.
Rep: Yes, sir. Read back the last line.
Gen: GODDAMMIT! That's MY last line again!
REP: Oh, no, sir. That's my last line. Don't you remember, sir? You said, "Read back the last line," and I said, "Read back the last line."

[Duaane]

Josephine please just post your joke;
As the powers that be, are not going to let you pretend your an adult.
and I want to hear it "please'

[Leprechaun]

What else has 7 arms and sucks?
An amputee octopus.

Man walks into a bar, sits down on a stool. No philosophical dog on the stool next to him, no talking duck on his head, no little green man on his shoulder. Bartender walks over and says, "That's not funny!"

[blissed]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizes her mistake, and says,
"That's great! Some asshole's got my pen."

[blissed]

Reminds me of Joseph Heller's Catch 22. A general holding a court martial is talking to the court reporter"

All courts seem to be like that. They have a strict protocol that almost belays common sense.
Like asking Saddam Hussein to confirm his identity at his trial, as if an impostor is going to say no actually I'm not him, sorry.
So it's not a joke but it would be if Saddam was equited he would if he could get the jury from the Rodney king trial.

[Randomthoughts]

President George W Bush.

Sorry, best joke I could come up with.
(Lets not go there or the powers that be will yank us)

Random Thoughts...

[Leprechaun]

So it's not a joke but it would be if Saddam was equited he would if he could get the jury from the Rodney king trial.

HEY! I was on that jury! It was me and 11 Saddam impersonators. It's not our fault the defense could afford to offer us twice as much money as the prosecution. That's just how justice works, man.

- L

[AndrewP]

There was a man and his buddy playing some golf on a Sunday morning. They were on the 4th hole near a road when a funeral procession went by. The man took off his hat and stood still until the cars had passed. Then they finished up the hole. When they were done, his buddy asks the man "That was a really nice gesture on your part. Why did you take your hat off?" Then the man replied, "Well, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do".