Some Humor

[OfCanada]

.

[yusanord]

[ATTACH]14426[/ATTACH]

[yusanord]

Gulp

[rachelred]

A vicar goes in to a motel to check in.

He goes up to the counter and while he is checking in, he says to the receptionist “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?”

The receptionist looks up at him in disgust and says “We only have the normal porn in this motel you sick bastard”

[sterling2]

more funnies

funnies

[crunchtime3]

Quote for the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap,

You will receive more shit than any one human being can handle

[crunchtime3]

From the "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SAID THAT" school of thought:


[ATTACH]14504[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]14505[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]14506[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]14507[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]14508[/ATTACH]

[crunchtime3]

Some more "winners"...

[OfCanada]

[ATTACH]14426[/ATTACH]

Ah yes, the Harvard Triple Bb.

[sterling2]

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal

1- Sample the Crown Royal to check quality.

2- Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is
of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

3- Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffybowl.

4- Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK,
try another cup.. just in case.

5- Turn off the mixer thingy.

6- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.

7- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

8- Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a dewscriver.

Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.

9- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a heet.

10- Check the Crown Royal.

11- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

12- Add one table.

13- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.

14- Greash the oven.

15- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat off the turner.

16- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

17- Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.

18- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas

[takochan]

[ATTACH]14426[/ATTACH]

Ah yes, the Harvard Triple Bb.

Looks like a bloody big hard blow job to me...

凧ちゃん

[sterling2]

four stupid jokes
Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and
says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got
a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning
when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting
here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old
times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly
replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[sterling2]

more more

more

[crunchtime3]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[crunchtime3]

Top 10 things you can only say at Thanksgiving!





10. Talk about huge breasts !

9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

7. That's one terrific spread!

6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

4. Don't play with your meat.

3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

2. How long will it take after you stick it in?



and the Number #1 thing you can only say on Thanksgiving is ...

1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

[crunchtime3]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of

coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next

to him.





She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'




He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working

cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,

doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on

tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy.'








She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about

women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think

about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that

everything makes me think of women.'








The two sat sipping in silence.








A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old

cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian...

[Luxman]

Some fun for IT geeks:

The Matrix runs on Wundows...

Lxm

[sterling2]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadianwoodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Mexicanwoodpecker was amazed.


The Canadianwoodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree inCanada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexicanwoodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.


The two flew t o Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-ca lled 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

[crunchtime3]

Happy to see this thread is alive and well. Here's something to ponder

SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, & Connor began to cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr. old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place -- smack his ass again!!"

[chiefbrody]

How does the ann rice vampire deal with cold in is house ?

He turns up the therm lestat

[sterling2]

Pregnant Turkey Story

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
>
> traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
>
> play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
>
>
>
>
> When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
>
> the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
> re-stuffed the turkey. She then
>
> placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
>
>
>
> When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
> and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
> she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
>
> With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
> you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
>
>
>
> At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
>
>
>
> It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
>
>
>
> Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!*
>
just couldn't let it pass by............

[sterling2]

the maneater?????


WOW!!!!! now that's a catfish..... It's Just a Catfish!

Here's why sissies use fishing poles


For all those crazy guys who go 'noodling'
for catfish and stick their arms down the fish's throat!!

This would be 'all the catfish you can
eat.'

Each year, a few people were drowning or
disappearing mysteriously in Huadu's Furong Reservoir.

It was not until recently, when the son of a
government official went swimming, in the reservoir and

was drowned, that the secret was revealed.

It is a 3 metre long man-eating catfish
whose head alone is 1 metre wide! After cutting up the catfish,

people were surprised to find the remains
of another man inside!


Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden
because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in
the waters

[sterling2]

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm {for the turkey hunter in you] a game of course

[sterling2]

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

[crunchtime3]

Nick the dragon slayer.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.

[sterling2]

letter to the bank

Dear Sirs,
In view of what's happening nationally and internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly. If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Sincerely,

[Luxman]

The American way:

"YES WE CAN!"

The Luxembourgian way:

"YES WEEKEND!"

Lxm

[crunchtime3]

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders



EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A

FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT

TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . ..

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed

I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going be crazy



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,'

said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week

and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'



'How much do you charge?'



'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.



'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the doctor met me on the

street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about

those fears you were having?' he asked.



'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for

a year is an awful lot of money!



A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that

I went and bought me a new pickup!'



'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude

he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure

you?'



'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -

Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '



SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK &

TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[crunchtime3]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

[crunchtime3]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, all of whom congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate experience.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast.... eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of hot steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ' but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.' He said, 'Screw him!!.......give him a dollar!'

The blonde then blushed and said ...........

'The breakfast was my idea'