Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Some Humor

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    #61
    A horse walks into a bar. Then the bartender goes over to him and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

    Groan

    Comment


      #62
      Haha, good one

      Comment


        #63
        There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

        Comment


          #64
          Why did the pervert cross the road?

          He was stuck inside the chicken.

          Comment


            #65
            A little girl sits on Santa´s lap at the department store.Santa asks her, "What would you like for Christmas?" She thinks a moment and replies, "A Barbie and a GI Joe." Santa says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken not with GI Joe." Girl says, "No, she comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

            Comment


              #66
              Hey Gracie, I have just read your dilemma in the Got Problems, Give Advice thread, and was reminded of this gem. Maybe you could adapt it to your own situation.

              TO DAD WITH LOVE

              A father passing by his daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

              Dear Dad,

              It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum.

              I've been finding real passion with Bill and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Bill said that we will be very happy. He already owns a caravan and has a
              stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

              Bill taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all
              the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Bill can get better; he sure
              deserves it!!

              Don't worry Dad , I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
              get to know your grandchildren.

              Your daughter,

              Carrie!

              PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.

              I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.

              I love you!

              Call when it is safe for me to come home.

              Tank

              Comment


                #67
                Hehe brilliant! Except then I'd have to clean my room

                Comment


                  #68
                  Reading/writing about favourite bands reminded me of this one:

                  Legendary bass guitarist Phil Lynott died and went to Heaven. He was met by an ecstatic St. Peter.
                  "Phil, it's great that you're here. We've been waiting for a bass player to complete the group. We've got Jimi Hendrix on guitar, Keith Moon on drums and Jim Morrison on vocals."
                  Phil was setting up his gear and chatting to the other guys when the door opened and a figure entered. Phil gasped in shock when he saw who it was.
                  "Bono? Bono died too?"
                  "Oh, no," said St. Peter. "That's God. He just thinks he's Bono"

                  Comment


                    #69
                    That's good, I think I'll email it to the official U2 website

                    Comment


                      #70
                      It is good, Peter, and I liked Tank's joke/parable, too. It's interesting how threads cross pollenate, so to speak ...

                      Though I'm tempted to change some of the names on Peter's joke ... I can't help but wonder what John Bonham would think of it ...? ... Or John Entwistle for that matter ...

                      Comment


                        #71
                        I woke up this morning and there was some avanilist on tv saying i had sined.

                        I thought to myself what on earth could i have done, i have only just woken up.... thinking for a while.... i then tapped my sister who was laying next to me in bed and asked what could it be ......

                        Comment


                          #72
                          Love it, Stoneyy!

                          Comment


                            #73
                            ya know KFC is one letter off the word fuck

                            they could start a new solgon

                            we are putting the U in KFC

                            Comment


                              #74
                              This isn't really a joke but stoneyyy reminds me of something I did a long time ago when I was working at the local Walgreens (a chain pharmacy store):

                              It was Sunday morning and they had me at the cash registers. Behind me were several small portable TV's and each one was turned on, but the sound was turned down. I had an idea ... I tuned each one in to a different tele-evangelist and turned the volumes up just a little bit. Eventually, the manager noticed and asked me about it. I replied that they were dueling evangelists.

                              He was not amused. Before the end of my probationary period, he sacked me. Can't say I miss working there all that much ...

                              Comment


                                #75
                                Now matchless that is funny
                                It seems the boss didn't have a sence of humour though.

                                Have you seen that guy that with a touch he heals people of the illnesses, it always amuses me how many people are taken by all this and how he gets away with it.

                                Comment


                                  #76
                                  I liked This.....

                                  The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Sioux, passed on from generation to generation, says that:

                                  When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount !

                                  However, in government, education, and in corporate America...more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

                                  1) Buying a stronger whip.

                                  2) Changing Riders.

                                  3) Appointing a committee to study the horse.

                                  4) Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.

                                  5) Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

                                  6) Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

                                  7) Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

                                  8) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase performance.

                                  9) Providing additional funding and or training to increase dead horse's performance.

                                  10) Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

                                  11) Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

                                  12) Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

                                  And last but not least...

                                  13) Promoting the dead horse to a management position.

                                  Comment


                                    #77
                                    Two men walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have ducked...

                                    *groan*

                                    Ok... here's a more promising one:

                                    An American businessman is in Japan. Feeling a bit horny and lonely during the trip, he rents a hooker.

                                    As he's having sex with her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" He takes that as he's doing well. As he pumps even harder, she keeps screaming "Nashagai ana!" louder and louder.

                                    The next day he's playing golf with some of the Japanese guys, and hits the ball way out, landing it on the green 3 feet from the flag. "Nashagai ana" he says, wanting to impress his colleagues with his newly learned Japanese phrase.

                                    The Japanese businessmen look at where he hit the ball, then at each other strangely, until one man says "No, that's the right hole."

                                    (shamelessly lifted from a Slashdot posting)

                                    Comment


                                      #78
                                      4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

                                      It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

                                      The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

                                      The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

                                      The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

                                      The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again"

                                      Comment


                                        #79
                                        Originally posted by stoneyyy
                                        Now matchless that is funny
                                        It seems the boss didn't have a sence of humour though.

                                        Have you seen that guy that with a touch he heals people of the illnesses, it always amuses me how many people are taken by all this and how he gets away with it.
                                        I always suspected that the boss hated his job, and maybe his life, too. But what did I know, I was 20 and hated the job, too.

                                        I don't know what ONE guy you are referring to. There are heaps of faith healers who perform services like what you describe. One of my favourite movies on the subject is Leap of Faith starring Steve Martin as a faith healer and Debra Winger as his assistant. Liam Neeson plays a small town sheriff trying to run Martin out of town who is in turn seduced ... or does he seduce her ?... by Winger's character. There is another sub-plot involving Lolita Davidovich as the town's former homecoming queen and Lukas Hass as her crippled brother. It's one of Mr. Martin's more serious films and therefore has been mostly overlooked but I can't recommend it enough. It both gives you a glimpse at the tricks of the trade and the power of faith to truly heal.

                                        The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again"
                                        Good one, Stoneyyy

                                        Comment


                                          #80
                                          Originally posted by Randomthoughts
                                          I do not feel, personally that there should be any suppression in the freedom of speech as displayed in the movie "The Aristocrats"
                                          Haven't seen the movie, but you can GOOGLE many versions by many great artists (my fav being the southpark vid)
                                          Matchless, not sure if it would go down well on this board, but if everyone is ok and you are OK with dropping your dirty laundry go ahead!
                                          If you don't PM me, love to see your twistedness...

                                          Random Thoughts...
                                          Thanks for the encouragement, RT. The movie holds nothing back. It is freedom of speech gone overboard, and I agree, the South Park version of the joke was one of the best. I've given this idea of posting a version of the joke myself some thought and it comes down to this (no pun intended but go there if you want ):

                                          "The Aristocrats" was a private joke told between comedians to other comedians as a way of proving themselves. The movie is both an example of why this works and a chance for many comics to try out the joke for an audience. I am not a comedian, though I like to think i have a healthy and hearty sense of humour. Sometimes my attempts as being funny go way over people's heads and I am the only one laughing. Sometimes, I end up being such a good actor that people don't understand me when I am trying to be funny/sarcastic/satirical. I call it method comedy: I'll get into a character totally outside of who I am, like "angry guy", "stupid guy", "can't-get-enough-of-himself guy" and "perform" ... and sometimes I stay in character a bit too long ...

                                          Anyway, I'm getting off track. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie or doesn't know what "the aristocrats" - the joke is I feel I should warn them it is all about the shock value. The set-up and punch line are always the same; it's what people do in the middle that is "special". The joke involves sex, incest, anal sex, scatological elements are often included, whatever you want! That's what makes Bob Saget's version of the joke in the film so funny; he is more widely known as a family friendly actor from the sitcom "Full House", which spawned the Olsen Twins, and hosting "America's Funniest Home Videos" where he acted the cute, lovable buffoon. As I said, I am not a comedian. I believe, and the website for the film bears this out, that the joke should be performed, not written ... and yet if enough people don't want to rent the movie, or really want to hear MY version of it (not that i have come up with one yet ...) I might be persuaded to give it a go.

                                          Comment


                                            #81
                                            This ALLEGEDLY happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds
                                            like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's ALLEGEDLY true. MAYBE!

                                            John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
                                            hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
                                            was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could
                                            hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming
                                            towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
                                            thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize
                                            there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

                                            The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
                                            approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
                                            just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
                                            turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand
                                            appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub
                                            down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to
                                            it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of
                                            tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience
                                            he went through.

                                            A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying
                                            and....wasn't drunk.

                                            About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were
                                            also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
                                            sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the
                                            ***ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
                                            YES I do expect some derisive comments .

                                            Comment


                                              #82
                                              Fact has always been stranger then fiction.

                                              Comment


                                                #83
                                                What I like about most jokes is that they are applied to almost all segments of society. If a person has a sense of humour they ar funny regardless of the ethnicity. I think what comes around , goes around. If I can't take it don't give it. Maybe not a surprise, but Politics is the same way with me. One thing that I have noticed is that the more I respond in the threads the more understandable I become. (Ihope) Don't know why but to me threads apperantly are a threat, and don't know why. I remember a comment to Mrs Roops that I had to appologize for, that didn't come accross as I intended. Is this a common newby thing?

                                                Comment


                                                  #84
                                                  Then why the blond thing. Men and women love natural blonds!, Yet we all make fun from them????

                                                  Originally posted by ham
                                                  What I like about most jokes is that they are applied to almost all segments of society. If a person has a sense of humour they ar funny regardless of the ethnicity. . Is this a common newby thing?

                                                  Comment


                                                    #85
                                                    if it was a sarcastic comment then yes, it has happened to me, too. Sarcasm is a hard thing to get across in print, which is why there is this smilie to help clarify intent ... but even then, there are some people who just don't like sarcasm.

                                                    for example, I could tell you to use spell check, ham, and maybe you would think I was just trying to be helpful, or maybe you would think I was being an uber-intellectual pain in the arse. But I'm an American like you, so I'm sure a lot of the folks here expect me to be an arrogant SOB I often feel like people misunderstand me when I'm just trying to be funny ... such is the way of the world I think as long as you are sincerely apologetic in explaining yourself, people will likely forgive you.

                                                    Comment


                                                      #86
                                                      Originally posted by ham
                                                      If a person has a sense of humour they ar funny regardless of the ethnicity.
                                                      Duanne's comment reminds me of this point ... I think most people would agree that Polish jokes are no longer funny.

                                                      In my final student film I had a scene that took place at an amateur night in a comedy club. The scene opened with a really bad comedian and the way we (it was pretty much improved by the actors and extras) conveyed that he was really bad was having him tell a series of blonde jokes. To make him look even worse, he read them off a napkin. For the last one, the audience groaned together the answer line before the comedian could say it ... he said it anyway, laughing at himself:

                                                      Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
                                                      A: To keep their ankles warm

                                                      Comment


                                                        #87
                                                        What is a red head called between two blonds?

                                                        btw I was born blond, and today have light brown to blondish hair, with an IQ of 150+
                                                        Last edited by Duaane; 15 November 2005, 02:47 AM.

                                                        Comment


                                                          #88
                                                          I was blond until I reached age ten or so. I sometimes miss being blond. And I honestly don't know my IQ score. I had a Russian girlfriend once in Vladivostok who thought I was clever: it was good enough for her so I'm okay with not knowing. Nice town, Vlad ... if you visit during the rare month when the weather is bearable. I missed that time by about two months too late.

                                                          Okay. I give up, comrade. What is a red head called between two blonds?

                                                          Comment


                                                            #89
                                                            An Interpreter

                                                            Comment


                                                              #90
                                                              How would you like to stumble into this bathroom drunk??
                                                              (The owner painted the floor to make it look like you are up in the air.)
                                                              Last edited by alleyes1; 31 January 2006, 06:29 PM.

                                                              Comment

                                                              Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter

                                                               
                                                              Sign up for the abby newsletter. Don't worry, we'll NEVER share your email address with anyone.
                                                              Working...
                                                              X