Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Some Humor

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    #91
    I heard that the guy that fell out was a really good shit....

    RT...

    Comment


      #92
      Yikes! This freaks me out sober - I sometimes get vertigo. Just sitting here now ... I'm thinking I'd better go somewhere's else ...

      First another gem from our favourite bad comedian, Stu Hash.
      Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
      A: Not everyone's been on a 747!

      Uh, Ohhh. Better get a bucket!

      Comment


        #93
        The fundamental question concerning "free speech" of course is:

        "Is it ok to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse?"

        Alleyes

        Comment


          #94
          And what does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?

          Her ankles.

          Comment


            #95
            THE ART OF ERROR


            In Japan they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity-the essence of Zen:



            Your file was so big.
            It might be very useful.
            But now it is gone.
            ------------------------------------------
            The Website you seek
            Cannot be located, but
            Countless more exist.
            -------------------------------------------
            Chaos reigns within.
            Reflect, repent, and reboot.
            Order shall return.
            --------------------------------------------
            Program aborting:
            Close all that you have worked on.
            You ask far too much.
            --------------------------------------------
            Windows NT crashed.
            I am the Blue Screen of Death.
            No one hears your screams.
            ---------------------------------------------
            Yesterday it worked.
            Today it is not working.
            Windows is like that.
            ---------------------------------------------
            First snow, then silence.
            This thousand-dollar screen dies
            So beautifully.
            --------------------------------------------
            With searching comes loss
            And the presence of absence:
            "My Novel" not found.

            The Tao that is seen
            Is not the true Tao-until
            You bring fresh toner.
            ---------------------------------------------
            Stay the patient course.
            Of little worth is your ire.
            The network is down.
            ----------------------------------------------
            A crash reduces
            Your expensive computer
            To a simple stone.
            ----------------------------------------------
            Three things are certain:
            Death, taxes and lost data.
            Guess which has occurred.
            ----------------------------------------------
            You step in the stream,
            But the water has moved on.
            This page is not here.
            ----------------------------------------------
            Out of memory.
            We wish to hold the whole sky,
            But we never will.
            ----------------------------------------------
            Having been erased,
            The document you're seeking
            Must now be retyped.
            ----------------------------------------------
            Serious error.
            All shortcuts have disappeared.
            Screen. Mind. Both are blank


            .

            Comment


              #96
              I love it!! I have now replaced all of my messages with these. Computing is much more fun now.

              Thank you Gracie.

              Comment


                #97
                If your computer crashes and your novel is lost, your gonna be mad,
                But if the computer takes the piss out of you as well, your gonna smash it

                Comment


                  #98
                  There's this guy who is invited to dinner by his girlfriend because she wants him to meet her parents. She promises him that although it will be nerve racking, she'll make it worth his while because after dinner she will be making love to him for the first time that night.

                  The guy is happy to hear this and get really excited for the night to arrive. That afternoon he stops by the pharmacy and starts a conversation with the pharmacist. He tells him that he has a big night planned, and is wondering what kind of protection to buy and whatnot. He is telling the pharmacist in detail what kind of stuff he plans to do to his girlfriend, and orders a box of 12 condoms. The pharmacist gives him a high five and helps him with his order.

                  The guy shows up at his girlfriends that night, and her parents are already seated at the table. The boyfriend looks at them, and sits down quickly. He declares he wants to say grace. He just stays silent for minute, and his girlfriend leans over and whispers..."I never knew you were so religious"...her boyfriend responds..."and I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!!"

                  Comment


                    #99
                    I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.
                    He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he
                    saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought
                    this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so
                    he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered
                    car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that
                    pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled
                    in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked
                    deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before
                    an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to
                    him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for
                    sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he
                    could see it.

                    They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man
                    opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting
                    under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off
                    the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette.

                    "1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the
                    old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran
                    on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck
                    his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with
                    Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.

                    As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go
                    too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's
                    low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the
                    key and the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle
                    and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first
                    gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and
                    hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The
                    car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was
                    unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all
                    of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out.
                    To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.

                    Meanwhile, down the road...

                    A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two
                    daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad
                    was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she
                    cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the
                    dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes
                    because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do
                    and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the
                    house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a
                    few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that
                    since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what
                    they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first
                    person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed
                    and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each
                    other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed.
                    Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room. There was a knock
                    at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the
                    door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but
                    nobody answered. He walked in.

                    "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you
                    mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything.
                    So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the
                    fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some.
                    Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a
                    little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked Dad if he
                    minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said
                    anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her.
                    Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He
                    walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have
                    sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her
                    into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the
                    table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty good. He
                    walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife.
                    Nobody said anything. So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex
                    with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and
                    stood in front of Dad. "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked
                    dad. And Dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by AndrewP
                      There's this guy who is invited to dinner by his girlfriend because she wants him to meet her parents. She promises him that although it will be nerve racking, she'll make it worth his while because after dinner she will be making love to him for the first time that night.

                      The guy is happy to hear this and get really excited for the night to arrive. That afternoon he stops by the pharmacy and starts a conversation with the pharmacist. He tells him that he has a big night planned, and is wondering what kind of protection to buy and whatnot. He is telling the pharmacist in detail what kind of stuff he plans to do to his girlfriend, and orders a box of 12 condoms. The pharmacist gives him a high five and helps him with his order.

                      The guy shows up at his girlfriends that night, and her parents are already seated at the table. The boyfriend looks at them, and sits down quickly. He declares he wants to say grace. He just stays silent for minute, and his girlfriend leans over and whispers..."I never knew you were so religious"...her boyfriend responds..."and I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!!"
                      Classic

                      Comment


                        Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
                        six days.Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having
                        a rest. He inquired of God,
                        "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep
                        sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
                        "Look Michael! Look what I have made."
                        Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
                        "It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it
                        Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
                        "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
                        God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For
                        example,Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
                        Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
                        be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and
                        over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to
                        different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North
                        America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot
                        and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America
                        which is a hot spot.
                        Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel,
                        impressed by God's work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked,
                        "What's that one?"
                        "Ah", said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious
                        place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams
                        and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and
                        humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be
                        extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known
                        throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also
                        going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who
                        will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
                        Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will
                        be BALANCE!?" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly,
                        whining, sheep-loving bunch I'm putting next to them."

                        Comment


                          A woman was at home having coffee with her neighbor when she received a delivery of flowers from her husband.
                          "What's the occasion?" asked the neighbor.
                          "No special occasion," said the woman, "but now I'll have to spread my legs for a week."
                          The neighbor asked, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

                          Comment


                            [ATTACH]1958[/ATTACH]

                            Comment


                              A Quick Irish Joke for you........

                              An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

                              "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why ...in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

                              "Well," said the Englishman, "At my village local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

                              "Ahhh, dat's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house !"

                              The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

                              But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
                              "Well," said the Englishman,
                              "Did this actually happen to you ?"

                              "Not me me-self, personally, no," said the Irishman.
                              "But it did happen to me sister a few times.".................

                              Comment


                                Why is Santa so jolly ?

                                Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

                                Comment


                                  My parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said "I would like a watch".

                                  So they let me.

                                  (eeechhh...)

                                  Random Thoughts...

                                  Comment


                                    A rather well-proportioned secretary decided to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of a hotel.

                                    She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun, when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

                                    " Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

                                    " What difference does it make?" She asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

                                    " Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

                                    Comment


                                      Not sure about how wide spread the "Hokey Pokey" was....

                                      With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
                                      it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
                                      almost went unnoticed last week.

                                      Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at
                                      age 93.

                                      The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
                                      coffin.

                                      They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

                                      Comment


                                        Inspired by the Matilda Thread

                                        Here are some more engineer jokes. Enjoy

                                        ps. my background is engineering

                                        Comment


                                          funny : )>>>>>>

                                          Comment


                                            [ATTACH]2153[/ATTACH]


                                            B

                                            Comment


                                              I don´t know if this makes any sense in English (or anything else I say ), but I´ll try anyway.

                                              The Monday morning conversation between me and my workmate:

                                              Mate: "So did you get any on weekend ?"

                                              Me: "Yes,got twice... to ask and be left without."

                                              Comment


                                                Take the time to read this one - Too Funny!

                                                This young woman goes to the doctor for her check-up and during the examination, the Doctor notices a small tattoo of the letter “H” just above her pubic hair line. The Doctor, wanting to add some conversation to lighten the exam asks her “What does the letter “H” stand for on your tattoo?
                                                The girl sheepishly replies “My boyfriend goes to Harvard, and it is my way of getting him excited when he is down there”
                                                The next week, the Doctor has a different young girl in for an exam and notices that there is a “Y” tattoo in the same place as the last girl. The Doctor thinks it is a weird coincidence but asks her the same question “ The girl replies, “My boyfriend goes to Yale and he enjoys the fact that I support his University”
                                                A few days later, another young lady is in for an examination and the Doctor notices an “M” in the same place. The Doctor, wanting to seem hip to the trends, says to the girl “Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan”.
                                                The girl replies “Actually, no. My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin”



                                                RT...

                                                Comment


                                                  The State Trooper

                                                  A guy in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down highway.

                                                  He pushed the pedal to the metal even more - now up to 90mph!

                                                  Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing, and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man ~ so he put his foot on the gas pedal and roared up to 100mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

                                                  Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" - so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

                                                  The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

                                                  "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 20 minutes, it’s Friday and I’m about to start a two week vacation. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

                                                  The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

                                                  “Have a nice day Sir”

                                                  Comment


                                                    An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

                                                    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

                                                    As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

                                                    Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

                                                    Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

                                                    The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

                                                    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

                                                    Comment


                                                      Some great jokes this morning--thanks guys

                                                      PS--it looks like the friend on the left is getting a touchy-feely from the friend on the right.

                                                      Or do I just have a dirty mind?

                                                      BigSpud--I graduated from a school where the (non-engineers) would say: "It used to be I couldn't even spell engineer--now I are one!"

                                                      Well, yeah, but I have a clean heart--it evens out.
                                                      Last edited by artlover; 15 January 2006, 03:36 PM. Reason: Adding the usual bells and whistles

                                                      Comment


                                                        Needs

                                                        This is a little thing for people with little minds like me.
                                                        I'm told it went around a while ago, but I've just found it.
                                                        Go to Google Search and type in your name and then "needs" after.
                                                        (if you use your moniker it won't really work)

                                                        ....................................This is mine
                                                        I'll let you work out which one I actually need

                                                        Comment


                                                          Originally posted by blissed
                                                          Needs

                                                          This is a little thing for people with little minds like me.
                                                          I'm told it went around a while ago, but I've just found it.
                                                          Go to Google Search and type in your name and then "needs" after.
                                                          (if you use your moniker it won't really work)

                                                          ....................................This is mine
                                                          I'll let you work out which one I actually need
                                                          Hi Blissed,

                                                          Make sure you put quotes around the search or you will get results that have the name anywhere in the page with "needs" anywhere on the page.

                                                          Comment


                                                            http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en...G=Search&meta=

                                                            Comment


                                                              I knew it! I knew you'd do it.

                                                              Of course, I already knew and now so does the rest of the AW world!!

                                                              Comment

                                                              Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter

                                                               
                                                              Sign up for the abby newsletter. Don't worry, we'll NEVER share your email address with anyone.
                                                              Working...
                                                              X