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SEX AFTER DEATH .....
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
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They Walk Among Us, Vote And Breed!!!!
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes Iknow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce.-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She was a probation officer inWichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
;
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
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Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
As a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now
Be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails", "highballs" and
Just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink"... Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Originally posted by sterling2 View PostPfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
As a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now
Be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails", "highballs" and
Just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink"... Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Anatomy 101 Which Body Part?
In the pursuit of science (and hypocrites):
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed
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Times When It's Ok To Use The "f" Word
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...and You Thought You Had A Tough Day!!!
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what ,I did what
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I think I have it!!...
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first..
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye: they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail...
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Bonny Scotland
Copper Wire was invented in 1852, by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
My Grandfather droped a 2p coin (5 cents), bent down to pick it up and it hit him the back of the head.
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>
> The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
>
> I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
> myself,
> but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second
> grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved
> show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
> with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
> show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
> airplanes,
> pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
> any
> boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
> and
> talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica,
> a very bright, very outgoing kid,
> takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
> stuffed under her sweater.
> She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
> and
> I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
> 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
> put a
> seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
> months
> through an umbrella cord.'
> She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
> to
> laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
> in
> amazement.
> 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my M om starts saying and going, 'Oh,
> Oh,
> Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked
> around
> the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
> hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
> ' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
> have
> a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
> bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
> 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
> he
> got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
> psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
> water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts
> saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
> They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
> sudden,
> out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said
> it
> was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys
> inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling
> up
> in there.'
> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
> seat.
> I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
> show-and-tell
> day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes
> along.
> Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this
> along to
> someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
>
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Where is the Beef ?
This is a serious Cheese Burger !
It's at a Pennslyvania Pub that serves what they claim is the World's Largest Cheeseburger
weighing in at a nine lip-smacking pounds.
You get:
- 6 pounds of flamed-broiled beef
- 2 hole tomatoes
- 1/2 head of letucce
- 12 slices of American cheese
- 2 entire onions
- 3 medium size pickels
- plus - mayo,ketchup,mustard
Price $ 23.95 ( french fries extra )
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Originally posted by tjsunray View Post[ATTACH]24203[/ATTACH]
Where is the Beef ?
This is a serious Cheese Burger !
It's at a Pennslyvania Pub that serves what they claim is the World's Largest Cheeseburger
weighing in at a nine lip-smacking pounds.
You get:
- 6 pounds of flamed-broiled beef
- 2 hole tomatoes
- 1/2 head of letucce
- 12 slices of American cheese
- 2 entire onions
- 3 medium size pickels
- plus - mayo,ketchup,mustard
Price $ 23.95 ( french fries extra )
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