Some Humor

[massfan3]

That's hilarious, Casey! Nicely done.

[oscarman]

Dirty limericks:

A Florida nympho named Jill
thought she'd try dynamite for a thrill.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
On the 44th stroke,
the bannister broke.
So he finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a pair from New Dehli
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
Because in their haste
they used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There once was a fellow from Bray,
Who fashioned a pussy from clay.
But the heat from his prick
turned it into a brick.
And he wore all his foreskin away.

OK... one more.

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
said "Yes, there is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
and a sheep is divine,
but a llama is numero uno!"

[oscarman]

The scene:
An old man and his wife are driving down the road when they get pulled over buy the police: The old man rolls down the window and this conversation ensues:

Cop: "May I please see your license, sir?"
Old woman (yelling): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man (yelling) : "HE SAID HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE!"

Cop: "Oh, I see you're from Springfield"
Old woman (yelling): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS HE SEES WE'RE FROM SPRINGFIELD!"

Cop: "I once dated a girl from Springfield. That was the worst piece of ass I've ever had"
Old woman (yelling): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man (yelling) "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

[Dekoda]

This police officer is on patrol one night, and it was getting close to midnight, so he decides to drive up to the local "Lover's Lane", to see if there was anyone up there doing things they shouldn't be doing. When he gets up there, there is just one car parked there. The interior light is on, there's a guy sitting in the front seat reading a magazine, and a girl sitting in the back seat filing her fingernails. The cop thinks this is weird, I mean, why be here to do that? So the cop parks his car, gets out and walks over to this guy's car and knocks on the driver's window. The guy rolls the window down and says, "Yes Sir officer?" The cop says, "What are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm reading a computer magazine sir." The cop points to the back seat and says, "What is she doing?" The guys says, "She's filing her fingernails sir." The cop thinks to himself, "This doesn't make any sense. Why be up here to do that?" So the cop asks the guy, "How old are you son?" The guy replies, "I'm 22 sir" The cop points to the back seat and says, "How old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in eleven minutes."

[Dekoda]

This blonde gets up one morning, eats breakfast, then goes out to her car to get started with her normal daily activities. When she starts the car, it is running really badly....missing, sputtering, and sounding terrible, so she manages to get the car over to her mechanic's garage. She tells the mechanic what the problem is, so the mechanic pulls the car into the garage to check it out. Thirty minutes later, he drives the car back out to the blonde, and the car is running perfectly...it's purring like a kitten. The blonde is impressed, so she asks the mechanic, "What was wrong with the car?" The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." The blonde says, "Really? How often do I have to do that?"

[Dekoda]

These three guys are on a cross country trek....it's a macho thing, to see how tough they are. They emerge from a forest to be confronted by a raging river. Needing to cross this river to continue on their way, the first guy runs up to the river's edge, looks up at the sky and says, "God give me the strength, the courage, and the STAMINA, to make it across this river!" POOF, this guys arm and leg muscles suddenly get big. Seeing this, he jumps into the river and swims for all he's worth. Struggling against the strong river's currents, he makes it across the river in about an hour. He drags himself out of the river, and collapses on the beach, totally exhausted.

The second guy runs up to the river's edge, looks up and says, "God give me the strength, the courage, and the STAMINA to make it across this river." POOF! A rowboat appears, so this guy jumps in the rowboat and tries to row across the river. The strong currents make it extremely difficult, but after about an hour, this guy finally makes it across the river. He crawls out of the rowboat, and collapses on the beach, totally exhausted.

The third guy, seeing what the other two guys did, runs up to the river's edge, looks up, but he can't remember what the other two guys said, so he says, "God, give me the strength, the courage, and the....the WISDOM to make it across this river", and POOF! God turns him into a woman, and, well, she just walks across the bridge.

[Dekoda]

Sorry. I was wondering if that joke might be a bit much, and apparently, it was. I'll be more careful the next time.

[Frans]

Sorry. I was wondering if that joke might be a bit much, and apparently, it was. I'll be more careful the next time.

Thanks, the one about wisdom and the bridge is a good one!

Welcome back btw, haven't seen you around in quite some time I believe?

[Dekoda]

Thanks, the one about wisdom and the bridge is a good one!

Welcome back btw, haven't seen you around in quite some time I believe?

Hi Frans! Yes, I made a comment in the Mundane Chatter section, starting a new thread asking if the discussion boards were dying out. In the post, I explain why I haven't been posting here. It's good to see that you are still here. I hope that you are doing well, and that everything is going well on your end.

[Dekoda]

A recent study has found that

women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

[Dekoda]

A funny sign.....

[Dekoda]

The privacy regulations here in the states can cause situations like this one....

[Dekoda]

In the unlikely event that you haven't seen this, this is a classic Abbot & Costello comedy skit.

[Dekoda]

Here is a prank that is played on a few unsuspecting job applicants, even though it shows off an HDTV. Maybe some people may not think it's funny, but I have a warped sense of humor, so I do think that it's funny.

[Dekoda]

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
-----------------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
-----------------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------------------

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.



"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------------

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

[Andreea]

Dracula’ s humour:

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ivona!
I wanna, what?
I wanna bite your neck!

[ssppc57]

Dekoda, thank you for reviving this thread. It has long been one of my favorites, and the source of some really good laughs.

[masie]

Dekoda the timing of this thread could not have been better for me, it has been a busy few weeks and this was the giggle I needed.

This is also good timing as the Edinburgh fringe festival also announced the top jokes from 2019 recently . . . .

1. “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”. - Falafel
2.”Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” – Richard Stott
3.”What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” – Milton Jones
4. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'” – Jake Lambert
5. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” – Ross Smith
6. “Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning” – Ross Smith
7. “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it” – Adele Cliff
8. “After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging – Richard Pulsford
9. “To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian” – Mark Simmons
10. “I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts” – Ivo Graham

[trebor]

4. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'” – Jake Lambert

This one was my favorite. Right in my range, so to speak...

Here's an old one but a good one courtesy of Steven Wright:

I went down to the 24 hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He replied "Yes, but not in a row!"

A science joke:

One atom stops suddenly, looking around frantically. He tells his buddy “I think I’ve lost an electron!” The Buddy asks, “Are you sure?” The atom exclaims “Yes, I’m positive!”

[Dekoda]

I bought a number of tee shirts recently from an online place that has lots of humorous sayings on them. A few that I bought: "My boss told me to have a good day....so I went home." "I love sleeping...it's like being dead without the commitment". "You can't scare me, I have a daughter." "My backup plan is the same as my original plan, but with more alcohol." "I like you, but if Zombies chase us, I'm tripping you." "If you can't say something nice about someone, come sit by me and we can make fun of them together." "If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency." "Words can not express how much I don't care." "Alcohol, because no great story ever starts off with a salad."

[Dekoda]

I don't know if I posted this link in the past, so if I did, I apologize. It's an April Fool's joke played on a professor.

[Dekoda]

This guy played one more joke for his friends and family. It's easier to just watch it than it is to explain it.

[Dekoda]

This guy comes out of the store and sees a cop writing a ticket. The guys says to the cop, "Come on, give a guy a break", but the cop ignores him and continues writing the ticket, then places it on the car's windshield. The guy says, "Why are you being such a jerk?" Irritated by that, the cop walks around the car and sees that the tires are almost worn out, so he writes another ticket and places it on the windshield. The guy says, "Now your just being a jackass." The cop sees a crack in the windshield, so he writes another ticket and places it on the windshield.



This goes on for a while, and by the time the cop leaves, the windshield is covered with tickets. A friend asks the guy, "jeez man, how much did all of those tickets cost?" The guy says, "I don't know, it wasn't my car."

[Dekoda]

These two guys are driving down the road and the driver is speeding. The passenger says, "you need to slow down before a cop pulls you over for speeding." The guy says, don't worry about, I'm driving.


Well, sure enough, a cop pulls him over. The cop asks the driver for his driver's license, and the driver says, "I don't have a driver's license, I lost it for drunk driving." The cop says, "You lost it for drunk driving?" The guys say, yeah. The cop says, "Then let me see the car's registration." The guys says, I don't have any registration, I stole this car." The cop says, "You stole this car? Who did you steal it from?" The guy says, "I think her last name was Smith...at least that's the name I saw on a letter in the glove box when I put my gun in there." The cop says, "You have a gun in the glove box?" The guy says, yeah, what do you think I used to steal this car from the woman with, before putting her body in the trunk?" The cop says, "You have a body in the trunk?" The guys says yeah, so the cop runs to his car, gets on the radio and calls it in.


In no time, they are surrounded by police, so the captain approaches the guy and asks for his driver's license, and the guy hands it to him. The captain examines it and says that it's legit, so the captain asks the guy for the registration, so the guy hands him the registration. The captain examines it, and says that it's also legit. The captain says that the officer said that he had a gun in the glove box, and ordered the guy to open the glove box. The guy did, and there was no gun in it. The captain says that the officer said that there was a body in the trunk, and ordered the guy to open it, and there was no body in it.


The captain said, "The officer said that you had no driver's license because you had lost it for drunk driving, that you had no registration since you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box, and that you had a body in the trunk." The guy said, "Yeah, and I bet he told you that I was speeding too."

[Dekoda]

Here is a video that I found to be really funny.

[kayla_j]

These two guys are driving down the road and the driver is speeding. The passenger says, "you need to slow down before a cop pulls you over for speeding." The guy says, don't worry about, I'm driving.


Well, sure enough, a cop pulls him over. The cop asks the driver for his driver's license, and the driver says, "I don't have a driver's license, I lost it for drunk driving." The cop says, "You lost it for drunk driving?" The guys say, yeah. The cop says, "Then let me see the car's registration." The guys says, I don't have any registration, I stole this car." The cop says, "You stole this car? Who did you steal it from?" The guy says, "I think her last name was Smith...at least that's the name I saw on a letter in the glove box when I put my gun in there." The cop says, "You have a gun in the glove box?" The guy says, yeah, what do you think I used to steal this car from the woman with, before putting her body in the trunk?" The cop says, "You have a body in the trunk?" The guys says yeah, so the cop runs to his car, gets on the radio and calls it in.


In no time, they are surrounded by police, so the captain approaches the guy and asks for his driver's license, and the guy hands it to him. The captain examines it and says that it's legit, so the captain asks the guy for the registration, so the guy hands him the registration. The captain examines it, and says that it's also legit. The captain says that the officer said that he had a gun in the glove box, and ordered the guy to open the glove box. The guy did, and there was no gun in it. The captain says that the officer said that there was a body in the trunk, and ordered the guy to open it, and there was no body in it.


The captain said, "The officer said that you had no driver's license because you had lost it for drunk driving, that you had no registration since you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box, and that you had a body in the trunk." The guy said, "Yeah, and I bet he told you that I was speeding too."

I love this one! LOL

[Dekoda]

I just got some more Tee-shirts, and this is what is written on the back of three of them:

[Dekoda]

You wonder if dogs look at things in this manner:

[Smegontoast]

This has probably been shared millions of times, but the images it brings to mind still make me laugh and cringe at the same time... https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5

[Dekoda]

This has probably been shared millions of times, but the images it brings to mind still make me laugh and cringe at the same time... https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5

I bought NEET, which was similar to VEET, once, as I was going to have a cardiac catheter procedure done, and when you have that done, they either insert the catheter in your wrist, or in your groin area. Since they don't which area would be the best area to insert the catheter in before hand, they need to shave the groin area...just in case they need to insert the catheter in the groin area. I bought a tube of NEET, figuring that I would remove the hair in advance of that procedure, but it says on the instructions to NOT use it in sensitive areas, like the groin area, so I didn't use it. Reading the link in your post, I'm glad that I didn't.