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    Some Humor

    Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
    A: To find a tight seal.

    Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
    A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

    Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
    A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

    Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
    A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
    A: K9P.

    Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
    A: Dill-dough.

    Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
    A: She's withholding evidence.

    Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
    A: You can sleep with a light on.

    Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
    A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

    Q: What's the height of conceit?
    A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q: What's the definition of macho?
    A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

    Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
    A: Their balls are just for decoration.

    #2
    Dad, Is that you?


    RT...

    Comment


      #3
      Old joke: Do you smoke after sex? I don't know, I never looked.

      Thaanks for the laughs, Duaane
      Last edited by artlover; 24 October 2005, 12:31 AM.

      Comment


        #4
        President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

        So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". " No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

        A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

        The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

        Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

        "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident either".

        Comment


          #5
          What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

          Stays up wondering if there really is a Dog...

          RT...

          Comment


            #6
            ONIONS & THE CHRISTMAS TREE

            A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

            The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

            "Onions?"

            "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

            This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

            The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

            "A Christmas tree?"

            "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

            Comment


              #7
              We better steer clear of the political jokes, lest we risk the Wielding of the Limited Power by Luxman.

              Another oldie but goodie. Starts off with an unlikely premise, but bear with me.

              A lawyer died and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, he is greeted with great enthusiasm by St. Peter. "Welcome, Mr. Smith, welcome. We have prepared a palatial residence for you, with a Mercedes in the front, a driveway paved with with gold, three crystal fountains, and a grand staircase that is second only to God's!"

              Mr. Smith was puzzled. "Why all the fuss? I would be content with much more modest surroundings. A little house by the golf course is fine for me."

              "But sir," Peter replied. "You don't understand. We have many great people here--saints, doctors, great humanitarians but you-- well, Mr. Smith, you're our first lawyer!"

              Ba-doom-pah.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by artlover
                We better steer clear of the political jokes, lest we risk the Wielding of the Limited Power by Luxman.
                As long as it doesn't derail into political discussions, there's no risk.

                Lxm

                Comment


                  #9
                  Luxman can you make sure its jokes only here and delete posts if they derail into political discussions

                  Haveing said that i would if this will be removed

                  Comment


                    #10
                    For those who like political humor and were under an internet rock last year, might I suggest JibJab. Two guys with a low-budget web site, hit it big with their cartoon animations of political humour. Their 3 clips for the presidential election(U.S.) were classics. By the way, they poke fun at both sides. If you go there, scroll down a little until you see the section labeled "Jibjab and the Elections". That's where their 3 most famous clips are.
                    If you scroll down to the bottom on the first page, you'll see the "Archives" section. One of my favorites of those clips is called, "Ahnuld for Governor". I had to watch these clips 2 or three times to catch everything.

                    By the way, broadband is strongly recommended.
                    Last edited by alleyes1; 24 October 2005, 07:33 PM.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      A baby seal goes to a bar and bartender asks: What would you like?
                      Seal says: Anything, but Canadian Club.

                      yusa

                      Comment


                        #12
                        A grasshopper goes to a bar and orders a drink.
                        The bartender says, "You know, they have a drink named after you."
                        The grasshopper says, "Oh yeah, they have a drink called Charley?"

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Define a Zebra. Twenty six sizes larger than an A bra

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Question A plus 26? A bra again? 25 letters wound be zebra *really only 24 from A, so the answser is B bra

                            Comment


                              #15
                              There are three kinds of people in this world.The ones who are good in math and the ones who aren´t.
                              Last edited by yusanord; 26 October 2005, 06:04 PM.

                              Comment


                                #16
                                Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac who woke up one night wondering about the existence of Dog ?

                                Comment


                                  #17
                                  Any use of Random's jokes, including reproduction, modification, and distribution in whole or in part without prior written permission from Random Thoughts is strictly prohibited and may be subject to fine.

                                  Yusanord, you owe me $5.00 My lawyer will be in contact with your lawyer.

                                  Read up 11 posts
                                  Random Thoughts...
                                  Last edited by Randomthoughts; 25 October 2005, 11:37 PM.

                                  Comment


                                    #18
                                    Originally posted by Randomthoughts
                                    Any use of Random's jokes, including reproduction, modification, and distribution in whole or in part without prior written permission from Random Thoughts is strictly prohibited and may be subject to fine.

                                    Yusanord, you owe me $5.00 My lawyer will be in contact with your lawyer.

                                    Read up 11 posts
                                    Random Thoughts...
                                    Sorry I was not awake when sending that.

                                    yusa

                                    Comment


                                      #19
                                      In The Beginning - Downunder
                                      In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.
                                      Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the BBQ.
                                      God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!

                                      Comment


                                        #20
                                        Three blondes walk into a bar...you'd think one of them would have seen it

                                        Comment


                                          #21
                                          Originally posted by gracie_w
                                          Three blondes walk into a bar...you'd think one of them would have seen it

                                          I was waiting for someone to post a blonde joke. I hadn't heard this one - very nice!

                                          Comment


                                            #22
                                            A Manchester Joke circa 1950

                                            Albert, the bright brother, and George, not so bright, were with the gang in the pub.
                                            Albert says "watch this", goes up to the bar, and says loudly, "Tickle your arse with a feather".
                                            The ladylike barmaid swings round, shocked: "WHAT did you say?"
                                            "Typical Manchester weather!" says Albert.

                                            The following night George, having listened and learned,
                                            decides it's his turn to shine in company.
                                            George: "Stick a feather up your arse,"
                                            Barmaid: "WHAT did you say?"
                                            George: "It's fuckin' pissin' down outside!"

                                            Comment


                                              #23
                                              Little Tony. Can't get rid of him.

                                              LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


                                              One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

                                              First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

                                              "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

                                              "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

                                              She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

                                              "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,

                                              "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !"
                                              Last edited by blissed; 28 October 2005, 12:58 PM.

                                              Comment


                                                #24
                                                Did anybody hear hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?










                                                He saved his money until he could afford to buy a warehouse.

                                                Comment


                                                  #25
                                                  Or housewares.

                                                  I knew God loved good BBQ, but I had no idea the Aussies had it first.

                                                  Who/whatever is responsible for all the Abbygirls, he/she/it did a damn good job.

                                                  This is especially true for ______________________ .

                                                  Ladies, if you are feeling down today, insert your name in the blank and it'll be my compliment to you.

                                                  Comment


                                                    #26
                                                    Originally posted by stoneyyy
                                                    ... God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the BBQ.
                                                    God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!
                                                    I was going to let this go, but when I woke up it was still nagging me. So here I go, pissing on the humour thread ...

                                                    I thought I read somewhere that Australian women are bored (or was it fed up ...?) with Australian men. Perhaps this wee bit of chauvinist "humour" explains why.

                                                    I was going to get all preachy and stuff about why women should be appreciated for more than serving men, but I've already done enough damage to the humour thread. Next time, I'll think of a really nice joke ... promise.

                                                    Comment


                                                      #27
                                                      What is it with BBQs ?
                                                      You go to all that trouble to set every thing up,
                                                      risking 3rd degree burns, food poisoning and polluting the whole neighbourhood,
                                                      and the kitchen's only 10 ft away.

                                                      Comment


                                                        #28
                                                        Originally posted by blissed
                                                        What is it with BBQs ?
                                                        You go to all that trouble to set every thing up,
                                                        risking 3rd degree burns, food poisoning and polluting the whole neighbourhood,
                                                        and the kitchen's only 10 ft away.
                                                        What is it with sex?
                                                        You go to all that trouble to set it up,
                                                        risking damage to your ego, expensive gifts, conflicts, arguments,
                                                        and it's over in 15 minutes.

                                                        Oops, did I say too much?

                                                        Comment


                                                          #29
                                                          10

                                                          Comment


                                                            #30
                                                            God has a sence of humor, he made the world, animals, and the for a good joke he made women, (I like that but a smart fem..) said no "she just was tired and did it right the second time'.

                                                            Originally posted by matchless
                                                            I was going to get all preachy and stuff about why women should be appreciated for more than serving men, but I've already done enough damage to the humour thread. Next time, I'll think of a really nice joke ... promise.

                                                            Comment

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